Department for Enraging and/or Alarming the Public BBC Radio Control Room

Scene 1 Act 1. 7.58am

All monitors active, all little blue/green lights lit. Dials, levers, buttons, primed and ready. Consoles humming gently. Earphones, microphones, communications, all set. Clock strikes 8.00am.
Operator No1 switches through to newsroom.

Door opens. Enter Big Boss.

BB. “What’s the reading this morning?”
No1. “Interested listening”
BB. “Hmm, not good enough, introduce government plans for extending bus lanes.”

BB. “I’m going out for an alpine water infused with life-affirming microscopic particles by passing through top layer of igneous rock formations, want anything?”
No1. “No, I was up all night milking almonds, will you be long?”
BB. “Matter of minutes, but always remember No 1, our little motto….”

BB and No1 (together in sing-song voice) ‘That which we mention, can bring heightened tension, and those on the brink, can be told what to think.”
BB leaves Control Room

6 minutes later. Enter BB

BB. “What level are we up to?”
No1. “Gauge reads at slightly elevated level of annoyance. We can still present serious warnings”
BB. “What’s our range?”
No1. “Serious. Dire. Apocalyptic.”
BB. “Go for dire.”
No1. “Health, Climate Change or Brexit?”
BB. “Health”
No1 “Prolonged, with gruesome detail, or short and only what’s medically necessary?”
BB. “Short. Keep the prolonged version till lunchtime.
No1 “Irritation gauge rising, looking good, what’s our follow-up?”
BB. “The usual, feminism.”

15 minutes later

BB. “How are we doing now?”
No1. “Levels steady and rising nicely, preparing for surge at 0.900hours”
BB. “OK. Begin with Mental Exhaustion topic.”
No1. “Brexit?”
BB. “No, Bonfires.”
No1 “Republican or Loyalist?”
BB “No good doing both, too even-handed, focus in on Republican, greater annoyance.”

9.07am

No1. “Sir, readings reaching Anger levels, dare we proceed?”
BB. “ Steady as she goes No1, hold at Anger, hold…hold… Now No1, Now! Introduce Michelle O’Neill!”
No1. “Enraged level reached! We’re going to make it sir!”
BB “ Introduce Brexit!”

Humming grows in intensity, reaching high-pitched zing.

No1..”Oh sir! Listen! Cacophony! We’re almost at Red-Hot Rage!”
BB. “Can we maintain?”
No1. “Yes, we still have Over-population, Melting Ice-caps and Taking Away the Bus Pass.” BB. “Go for Taking Away the Bus Pass No1……lets go for the jugular!”

10.37am

BB. “What’s happening? Why are the readings falling?”
No1 “levels at Happy and Relaxed sir, it’s out of our control, nothing can restore Alarm and Rage until midday.”
BB “ Right! This is the last time. Give me the phone, I’m making an executive decision here, while I’m the Big Boss, Reason shall never be restored to its throne, good-natured banter shall never clog the airways again, melodic songs and lovely music shall never again assail our ears, wit and humour shall melt away like snow off a ditch, the sound of happy listeners is banished! Banished, I say!”
No1. “Oh, oh, sir! I feel your rage! What are you going to do?”
BB “I’m getting rid of him, Sean’s gone…..once and for all!”
BB marches out.

High Noon

BB re-enters the Department for Enraging and/or Alarming the Public,
Radio Control Room.
No1. “ levels rising to irritation sir, I can maintain until 1.30pm”
BB. “ will there be teasers at 1.30?”
No1 “yes, I’ve checked……2 teasers today.”
BB “Good. Excellent. Nothing like one of those teasers to enrage, er, I mean engage the public”
No1 “Sir, do you think we could ever annoy the public enough to reach gold standard? I would just love to see our dial move into Downright Outrage, is it even possible?”
BB. “we’ll just have to keep trying No1. You have to remember, maddening the public is relatively simple, we have a rich vein of topics and themes, lectures and lessons but it’s much more difficult to maintain that level, although we’re coming close with our biased reporting on Donald Trump. The public, you see, are very easily manipulated, their attention span is short. Our Department is needed now more than ever……..can you imagine what would happen if people weren’t in a permanent state of alarm? A clear-thinking Public would be disastrous , people might begin to…..”
No1. “What sir?”
BB. “ Form their own opinions! That cannot happen, mental fatigue, a sense of dread, slow- burning panic only relieved here and there with joyless banality is the way to do it. We cannot, ever, No1, ever broadcast cheeriness, normal human interaction or genuine laughter ever again. If there’s going to be laughter it will be canned and inserted only when and where I say so.
Oh if only I could think of a way to raise our annoyance readings even further! What an achievement that would be! I don’t think it has ever been done before. Ah well, from now on we have the mornings to ourselves, double-check our line-ups ……..how about going Apocalyptic on Global Warming tomorrow? We could include the dangers of cow’s flatulence. Good show, see you tomorrow?”

The End

By Slugger reader, Eugene McShane.