A thought experiment…
I woke up yesterday with a bit of a hangover, I had a lot to drink the night before and was fairly drunk (SIN), I was at a friends partying (SIN) for their birthday. We played a drinking game, you might have heard of it, truth or dare? I was asked when I lost my virginity, I said 16 when it was actually 15 (SIN). To be honest, we were doing some fairly weird shots, one of them…I don’t even know what it was, but 5 of us drank them, the other 4 threw up straight away but I kept it down, I was really quite drunkenly proud (SIN). Anyway, yesterday morning I needed 1 thing…an Ulster Fry, so I went to a café and ordered the biggest, meatiest, greasiest fry they sold, it. Was. Amazing. The bacon was perfectly crispy (SIN), I particularly love the crispy fat on the edges (SIN), but the café also did black pudding (SIN) which, I know some people dislike, but if it’s cooked right, it’s delicious.
After breakfast, I went to church, I was suffering and I really needed divine intervention to take the hangover away! To be honest, it was a bit touch and go at communion, drinking the wine in church (SIN) wasn’t what the doctor ordered, an old teacher of mine from primary school, Mrs Watson gave a very powerful reading from psalms (SIN), she had a baby boy 3 weeks ago and still felt up for going to church (SIN), her sister was with her too, she used to teach in the same school and funnily enough she had a baby girl 6 weeks ago (SIN).
I felt a bit of a shambles, I was still wearing clothes from the night before, I hadn’t even had a chance to have a shower, I looked like a mess in church (SIN). After church I sat in the park outside to get some fresh air, I brought a banana with me for some potassium, I heard it was good for hangovers, would you believe it but I’m sitting there minding my own business and eating my banana when a seagull landed next to me and started snapping to get my banana, I shoved it away (SIN). After I’d shooed the seagull away I decided I needed to straighten up a bit before I started the day properly, so I went and had a haircut, I have quite long hair and its really messy at times(SIN) so I get the sides shaved (SIN) and got the barber to give me a Turkish shave (SIN) to help me sweat out the booze. I needed to sober up, I was meeting my girlfriend at 2pm because she was getting a tattoo (SIN) and I don’t deal well with watching that kind of thing. I needed a change of clothes before then and couldn’t be bothered to go home to get changed, but when I was in the changing rooms trying the new clothes on I ripped the sleeve on my shirt(SIN), sods law! I left wearing a fairly fancy suede jacket with a cotton lining (SIN). Although when I left I saw a guy leave the shop next door wearing a much nicer leather jacket, I wish I had his jacket instead (SIN). I stopped in to grab a coffee too, I had enough stamps for a free one and redeemed it, when I left the shop there was what looked like a homeless guy next to the doorway, sitting on a cardboard box next to a businessman on a table working away on his laptop, I gave the coffee to the homeless man (SIN)
So after I met my girlfriend to get her tattoo, (LOTS of pain…she was screaming JESUS CHRIST(SIN) the whole time which puts me off getting one of my own), we went for lunch together, she had just got paid for the previous months work, her work don’t pay every day unfortunately (SIN) so when she does get paid, we’ll go out for a bit of a fancy lunch or something else special. For starters I had loin of rabbit(SIN), which was quite funny because my horoscope for the day (SIN) said that I would “be faced with an old family pet”. She had a shellfish bisque with lobster, mussels, prawns, the work! (SIN) and we both had Steak with a blue cheese dressing (SIN). By this point I had got passed the hangover and swore that I would never drink again, then we had a cocktail instead of dessert so that oath didn’t last that long..(SIN).
She gave me a present that she made in an evening class, she’s always into making and crafting beautiful little trinkets, she made me a copper effigy of jesus on the cross (SIN), it was brilliant, such a thoughtful gift! I’m a bit short of cash at the minute but I had planned on giving her a hoodie of mine she always wears (SIN), it’s a bit big but she seemed to like it. I loaned my mother a couple of hundred quid the week before and was supposed to get it back this week, but nope..not expecting to see it again, she always does this, I hate her! (SIN) She actually rang me again after lunch to borrow another £20 but I said “no mother, I’m putting my foot down, I can’t afford to, I’m going to be stubborn about this” (SIN)
Another reason I don’t have much money is because I bought my girlfriend a necklace for her birthday at the end of the month, she knows all my good hiding places in our place so I gave my next door neighbour a wrapped present to mind for me until her birthday, I told her it was just some beads for my girlfriend to use in her crafts workshop, I know it was mean to deceive her(SIN) but she can’t keep a secret for love nor money, she ruined a Christmas present last year and I just can’t get over it (SIN).
That evening when we got back home I helped her feed her pet snake (SIN), I held it whilst she cleaned out the tank, then I got a little rat(SIN) from her store to feed it…to be honest, I hate snakes but she loves them so I told her I love them too…I said it early in our relationship, y’know, as you do in a new relationship, and now I’m stuck with the lie(SIN)! Whilst she caught up on some work, I went out to the garden and did a bit of tending to the crops, I have a little vegetable plot with potatoes and carrots in it (SIN) and a youngish cherry tree, I only planted it 2 years ago but a cherry had fallen on the floor(SIN) so I ate it (SIN), not great, I can see why you wait for them to mature! They were redoing a garden centre 2 years ago when I was driving passed and saw these little cherry trees next to a skip, they were throwing it away so I stopped and got one for the garden (SIN). Our little cat seems to like running around the tree chasing insects, it’s cute to watch! It was a rescue cat, mixed breed(SIN), unloved before us.
So we had a chat and because I’m a bit short on cash, I’ve decided to sell my dads allotment(SIN), he left it to me in his will but I never get a chance to use it as I have a garden. We aren’t like, broke but we are having to pick up extra shifts, both of us are working all weekend including Sunday (SIN), money issues can cause some stress. It doesn’t affect us too much though, our relationships still good if you know what I mean 😉 neither of us are planning on marriage, we just aren’t those kinds of people, but our sex life is still good! (SIN) Even when she’s on her period it doesn’t stop us (SIN).
Anyway, that’s enough about how my week has gone.
I wonder if Ashers would refuse to make me a cake…?
If you’re going to defend your right to discriminate against someone because your faith says you should have that right, or your faith judges the person you are discriminating against as less-than or worse-than you… I will protect that right, but only if you follow what your religion says. Every bit of it. You can’t pick which sins you will permit your customers to have undertaken and which sins they can’t, that’s what equality means. Equal. If you refuse to serve people customers who haven’t been circumcised, customers who sleep with another mans slave, customers who sell an Israelite as a slave as well as customers who are members of the LGBT community…then fair enough, that’s your prerogative…If not, then stop picking which parts of the bible you like and treat a person as a person, nothing more, nothing less. If everybody who attended the Ashers love-in at the Waterfront hall this week follows the bible word for word and adheres to all the do’s and do nots, cool…If not, then as jesus allegedly said, judge not lest thee be judged.
Kris tweets ferociously as @belfastbarman and runs an associated site, www.belfastbarman.com where he occasionally opines his views. He lived abroad for a while and as such, feels he will never really ‘get’ this place. Formerly a barman, he regularly broke the cardinal rules of, “No politics or religion in the pub,” as such, he turned to writing. Previously a stand up comedian and an animal crematorium assistant, now works in marketing and is a recently joined member of the Alliance Party.