Allister: DUP suffering from TUVITIS

This is a flavour of what the TUV leader Jim Allister has been directing at the DUP in his party’s annual conference address. According to Allister Peter Robinson consulted a doctor (joke) on the wellbeing of his party. Dialogue went as follows: “Is it political swine flu ? ” Peter asked. “No” said the doctor. “Your problem:TUV it is. TUVITIS”…


  • Only Asking

    Eamonn, doctor jokes? Who does one trust the doctor or the politician? Dificult choice. In the media recently theres been a problem with doctors, they can try to blow you up at air ports, or shoot you if you try to force them to go anywhere, and if you are elderly they can poison you like they did in Yorkshire, or even experiment on you like they did during the ‘last’ world war.

    Much as I dislike the obnoxious TUV, my diagnosis would be to get a second opinion.

  • Interested

    Seems like a poor turnout maybe 200 – 250

  • a leprechaun

    TUVitis: classic stuff. Frankie Boyle, Ed Byrne and Russell Brand had better watch their backs.

  • Arty Renny

    How long did it take the embarrister to come up with that? The TUV should stick to the humorless approach. Oh , they have.

  • Rory Carr

    Yes, thank you, Jim. Don’t call us we’ll call you.


  • Darby O’Gill

    That famous Protestant sense of humour just somehow always manages to shine through.

  • Paul McMahon

    Who says that Jolly Jimbo has no sense of humur?

    Quare craic altogether!!

  • the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

    Was Pete Baker writing the jokes again this year?

  • Paul McMahon


  • colin

    with wit like that he’ll go far- stand aside oscar. he and gregory campbell should be a double act.

  • Panic, These Ones Likes It Up Them.

    With these kind of jokers Unionism will be in big trouble.

  • Drumlins Rock


  • dodrade

    I don’t get it.

  • Dave

    Pesky Yanks with their redundant vowels, eh?

    Here’s a shamelessly plagiarised joke that Jim won’t be telling:

    [i]Two generations of a dethroned political dynasty were walking along the railroad tracks in Ballymena one day and one when the father said to the son, “I’m the luckiest man in the world”.

    “Why is that, dad?” said the son.

    “Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20 note. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days.”

    The son said, “That was pretty lucky, dad, but I think I’m the luckiest man in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days.”

    “Jesus”, said the father. “You are the luckiest man! Did she whip you and give you a blow job, too?”

    “Nah”, said the son, “No, I never found her head.”[/i]

  • Paul McMahon

    “Pesky Yanks with their redundant vowels, eh?”

    Pesky Irishman who’s a bit too impatient sometimes to spell words correctly I’m afraid Dave.

    Shite joke too. It was better when it was the two soldiers/militiamen in the Balkans.

    What would would the father of a fallen north Antrim political dynasty be doing using the word ‘blowjob’ anyway?

  • Dave

    That was supposed to be ironic, since it is the European English speakers who use redundant vowls and the Americans who properly economise thhe words by deleting the redundant vowels.

    Believe it or not, that was voted the world’s best joke. It was actually about two tramps, so the humour is based on the relativity of luck:

    Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, “I’m the luckiest guy in the world”.

    [i]”Why is that?” said the other tramp.

    “Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days.”

    The other tramp said, “That was pretty good, but I think I’m the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days.”

    “Jesus”, said the first tramp. “You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?”

    “Well”, the other tramp said, “No, I never found her head.”[/i]

  • Arty Renny

    Jim was after the Kellswater constituency voter with that one. It’ll read like a ‘TUV, i’tuz’ in the Ballymena Guardian, a vernacular ripely recognised in that quadrant. They’re doore , he’s sure.

  • “A poor turn out”

    Yes – the room was filled to capacity. I know, I was there.

    Dream on.

  • young fella

    Well Dave, don’t keep us in suspense with a non-specific room size……how many were there?

  • Drumlins Rock

    hey it was a big room, there was an overflow into jim’s kitchen and conservatory too.

  • young fella

    Nobody expects you to be coy about a crowd approximation that flatters your cause Dave, so the lack of a ballpark figure is telling. Of course I’m willing to accept that it may have been a moment of temporary modesty and level handedness or possibly a lapse in concentration brought on by the full-to-capacity readership of ATW.

    I’m off to bed, maybe I’ll tune in to SO’T tomorrow to find there was an enormous turnout of 500 or something as big and credible as the dissident ranks in Derry.

  • Arty Renny

    What age are you, Vancey? Have you heard anything from those ‘Claudy bombing crew’s solicitors yet? ye know, those names you let fly on your blog page?

  • Arty

    Older than you deserve to ever be.

    Young Fella

    I am well aware of how many Provo supporters there are in Londonderry – to your shame, of course.

    It’s great to see the multicultural diversity of a Slugger thread in action.

  • MIchael Aiden

    80 seats all filled

  • Michael,

    Is that your forecast for the next Assembly election? Hope the TUV fulfil it.

  • Comrade Stalin

    It’s interesting that even Jim compares his party to an infectious disease. And that he sees his role is to ensure that the political process succeeds by getting Robinson to do the best deal possible.

  • LabourNIman

    I am extremely disappointed to see Bob McCartney there, while he had his objections to the assembly, he should never allow himself to be associated with Allister’s lot.

  • jj

    The only objection Mc Cartney and Vance have to the assembly is that they couldnt get elected to it.

  • Garza

    The TUV looked like a bunch of old people stuck in the past to me. Sharing power with Sinn Fein really is not unacceptable anymore, I think Northern Ireland’s youth are turning away from idealism and towards pragmatism.

  • LabourNIman

    Garza – the youth are turning away because they want a northern ireland that works and has an identity of it’s own apart from green and orange. Parties like TUV are too afraid to grasp that…

  • More Slugger delusionalism re TUV.

    Most of those speaking proposing motions were under 30.

    Those “stuck in the past” are the apologists for the most undemocratic form of government imaginable, an obscenity that allows for no opposition, that ensures those in it can not be voted out of it, that enforces power.

    Time all that changed and for gangsters to be removed from high office.

  • Comrade Stalin


    I am extremely disappointed to see Bob McCartney there, while he had his objections to the assembly, he should never allow himself to be associated with Allister’s lot.

    Bob has had more faces than the Albert Clock. UUP, DUP, the rise and fall of the fUKUP, and now the TUV. There’s very little that is consistent about him.


    Time all that changed and for gangsters to be removed from high office.

    I thought TUV policy was voluntary coalition ?

  • LabourNIman

    Comrade Stalin – I agree but he is/was probably the most liberal unionist (apart from the whole power sharing problem he had) NI has produced in a generation.

    David Vance – what has the TUV done to deserve you fighting their corner? A unionist party that would see a SF first minister as a ‘win’ for them beggers belief.

  • Comrade Stalin

    David, given that every political party that you’ve gotten involved in has either succumbed to total failure or converted to constructive politics, I wish you well in your support for the TUV.

  • Comrade Stalin

    LabourNIman – McCartney had a problem with powersharing because he wasn’t liberal. I have no idea how you could say that he was more liberal than, say, David Trimble. And he had a tendency to talk out of both sides of his mouth – he would call Ian Paisley a nasty bigot, but yet the DUP were supporting (quietly) his North Down campaign in 1995.

    Obviously, the TUV plan is to see SF as the first minister, an arrangement which they would expect to be so intolerable that the institutions would be brought down.

  • LabourNIman

    Comrade Stalin – Mccartney was for a womans right to choose (how many unionists can say that?), pro gay rights (again, how many unionists can say that?), and voted against numerous assembly pay rises – giving the rise to charity. He even considered taking the Labour whip when he was elected MP.

    Mccartney believed in the sovereignty of Westminster which made him fundamentally against stormont… and sadly couldn’t grasp that NI needed a different form of government than most other democracy’s.

  • Stalin

    Thanks for the good wishes. Given that every comment you have made towards me has as much substance as a DUP promise I will take that in the spirit you gave it.


    Bob had a problem with terrorists in government, so do I, and so do many other people – 66,000 at least and counting. I am intrigued with your notion that we need a “different” form of government than other democracies. We have got it – rule by gangsters, parasites, multiple jobbers, bankrobbers, bombers and all without opposition.

  • Comrade Stalin

    LabourNIman, I went and did some Googling and couldn’t find squat about McCartney being liberal on the issues you describe. His voting record in Westminster seems to be almost exclusively confined to strictly NI issues, which is an interesting thing to note given all the stuff about the sovereignty of Parliament.

    If those were indeed his views, he wasn’t very loud about them, so I still can’t call him a liberal unionist. And context is important. A liberal unionist is one who supports powersharing and agreement. He definitely wasn’t one of those.

  • BonarLaw

    When did any form of liberalism equate to “powersharing and agreement”?

    A form of powersharing based on sectarian designation, mandatory coalition and constant threats of “freefall” from the deputy?

  • Comrade Stalin


    The current setup is far from ideal. But if unionists had been a bit more forthcoming in the early 1990s, or even if the other half of them had turned up in the GFA talks, government with SF would have been avoided and I very much doubt we’d be in a mandatory coalition situation right now – weighted majority instead.

  • LabourNIman

    David Vance – a somewhat ‘unique’ government was needed to build confidence between the two main sides of the NI community. Do I think what we have now is good enough? No. However, I am a firm believer in ‘we have to start somewhere’.

    If we still have the same style of unionist/nationalist government in 10 years I will be disappointed.

    I come from a unionist background, however the fact that unionists like you shout about IRA terrorists (which I agree they are) and how their representatives are in government (even though a vast majority of their voters don’t support the IRA) but fail to realise that the old fashioned, Carson style government didn’t work.

    The main problem NI faces is that sectarian politcs isn’t working – low voter turn out, opinions of politicans are at a all time low as they preach orange and green and make a tidy sum while voters are unemployed and have to listen to the tribal politics in the headlines instead of how they will turn around our economy.

    In fact, was the economy even mentioned at the TUV conference?

    Comrade Stalin – If memory serves it was an assembly vote on abortion that McCartney spoke out. I agree that his westminster record was poor considering the potential he had.

  • pith

    Is it one of those “you had to be there” things or does the necessity to change the “i” sound make it an awful joke?

  • LabourNIman

    There was an entire motion and debate on the economy, ably led by two young delegates.

    Terrorist government does not work. Having a Party in power ideologically committed to the destruction of Northern Ireland as part of the Union does notwork. Having third rate half-wits in a dysfunctional executive made up of private fiefdoms does not work, Enforced power-sharing does not work.

    And at a more elemental level, good does not come from compromise with evil.

  • LabourNIman

    David Vance – ‘Having a Party in power ideologically committed to the destruction of Northern Ireland as part of the Union does notwork’

    You could say the same about the SNP in scotland.. scotland seems to be working just fine.

  • Comrade Stalin

    David, we all know that your attitudes to terrorists in government, and violence etc, are paper thin. All we need to do to highlight this is mention the Irgun (who went on to govern Israel) and the King David Hotel bombing, which was an action that directly targeted British civil servants (remind you of anyone?) with no regard to civilian casualties. Given your views on those matters, you’re not really qualified to talk about how bad it is to have people who use violence governing NI, are you ?

    Someone better tell all those SNP and Plaid voters that people who want to end the union shouldn’t be allowed in government. That’s just a reminder of how you and those with your views are on the crackpot fringes rather than the mainstream of UK politics.

    LabourNIman, I agree with you that sectarian politics does not work, but the points about turnout are wrong. Turnout was significantly higher here for the Euro elections than in the rest of the UK, and it looked roughly similar for the general elections in the seats I checked. I rather suspect they will continue voting for the “big four” in the foreseeable future unless we can find a way to wean them off the fear of abandoning the tribal vote.

  • LabourNIman,

    Scotland seems to be working fine?

    From The Scotsman

    “SCOTLAND’S economy is still shrinking and there will be further bleak news to come before it gets any better, according to two reports out today.
    One, a major survey of 1,900 businesses to assess confidence, found Scottish firms are generally very pessimistic about the short-term future.

    The other, from leading economist Tony Mackay, predicted the Scottish economy will contract by 3 per cent this year.”

    Meanwhile….from the DT…

    “Scotland is poised to become the third most state-dependent country in the world, with only Cuba and Iraq spending more on public services, according to economic forecasters.”

    That’s how the SNP operates and gets away with it solely because of Barnett.

  • LabourNIman

    ‘There was an entire motion and debate on the economy, ably led by two young delegates’

    I’m keen to hear what was discussed.. what is the TUV’s solution to people losing jobs?

    SNP’s bad handling of the scottish economy is poor. However back to the original point, what has this got to do with it’s quest for independence which you feel makes them unacceptable for government?

    Comrade Stalin – both our parties have a fight on our hands. I’d rather have a real debate/contest with your party than the jokers we must deal with at the moment.

  • Comrade Stalin

    LabourNIman, it’s a fight we’ve been having for decades. The violence being largely out of the way means that this should be easier, but I do not expect there will be quick fixes or overnight change.

  • young fella

    Well now, I said I’d be back but since I couldn’t see an answer to my question within your first couple of blasts of hot air I presume that you’ve conceded the point that the number attending the conference was nothing to brag about. Doesn’t matter much now anyway the papers have it as 200.

    Nice that little bit where I said dissident you said Provo, I said Derry you said Londonderry. Well to keep you happy I’ll address it in all it’s Royally Chartered splendor, in [ahem]Londonderry 99% of the population don’t support dissidents. However, in case you needed reminding ( if) the Provos and dissidents aren’t the same thing.

    By the by, hardly my shame since I’ve never supported republicans, dissident or otherwise. So don’t paint me with that very broad brush you have there. Call me a heathen but I’m not buying into anybody’s little good vs evil rounded-down narrative.

    …but hey, if that’s what keeps your wee “pressure group” sleeping at night.

  • aquifer

    Having the TUV refusniks around makes the DUP and the executive look reasonable, so they are not entirely useless.

  • Young Fella,

    PIRA, CIRA, RIRA, I can’t believe it’s not the IRA – all birds of a feather with warm support from too many in Londonderry. Deal with it.

    On the conference, I said 200-250. The media says 200. Emr and the issue is….?


    The issue of the economy is central since we need to ensure a productive society. NI, even more so than Scotland, is way too dependent on a bloated State sector. This needs to shrink. We need to encourage local SME’s by reducing bureaucracy, providing such financial support as is relevant, stripping away the malignant priorities of Invest NI, incentivising appropriate employment opportunities. The Assembly could help in these reagards were it functional, but of course it is dysfunctional.

    Employment cannot “be created” – that is the delusion of the political class. But entrepreneurs can be motivated by a low tax minimum red tape environment.

    I can’t speak for the TUV, of course, but these are my views and I am sure the TUV can provide you with their views if you contact them.

    On the subject of the SNP, my point is that under Mr Toad they have failed and continue to fail on the key economic criteria. Yes, they seek Scottish independence but unlike the IRA they have not embarked on a murder campaign that involved wrecking the economy for decades. It is perfectly reasonable for any political party to pursue whatever it believes in so long as this is peaceful. IRA/Sinn Fein does not fall into this category and remains a criminal conspiracy riddles with those with blood on their hands. I appreciate this irritates many on Slugger since it is an inconvenient truth but there you go – sometimes even the delusions on this site need popped.


  • LabourNIman

    Well, running away is what you’re good at David… but lets get back to the point – I want you to tell me what the law respecting nationalist voters that vote SF, who are effective at helping their community, are entitled to in your world?

    The answer is nothing.

    It seems to me that if you and the TUV spent more time helping the sdlp become the biggest nationalist party again, you’re problems would be solved.

    But no, complain, undermine and preach is all we get from you and the TUV.

    I’m looking forward to seeing your name on a ballot with TUV under it. Lets see if you will put your money where your mouth is.

  • Comrade Stalin

    David won’t put his money where his mouth is. He’s a rentaquote instapundit who runs away from the hard questions, both here and on his own blog.

  • USA

    David Vance,
    Your comments about the people of Derry are a disgrace and should be withdrawn.
    But it looks like you have run off to hide.
    You are a full of your own sense of importance and you are a coward.

  • “Running away” from circular debates on Slugger = “cowardice”? I don’t think so, children, it equates more to common sense!


    My comments regarding those who vote for terrorists remain valid, deal with it. The cowards are those who lack the guts to oppose terrorist spawn in both local and national government.


    And there was me thinking you wanted to debate rather than name call. Silly me.

  • Jo

    ” am extremely disappointed to see Bob McCartney there”

    Why? He and Vance are guarantees that TUV’s prospects are those of the UKUP – dismal, utter failure, wasted years, criminal convictions, being laughed out of the country, living and dying detested, bitter men.

    The only reason anyone should take a blind bit of notice of TUV or any of the rest of this shower is to show our children the sort of crap the rest of us had to put up with – so that they learn not to tolerate such hatespreaders.