Canvass response competition!!

Canvassing may be cold, tiring and boring, but between times it can have its rewards. One reader sent us a selection of their best doorstep responses so far…. Feel free to challenge them with your own: either by adding them below, or sending them to me directly at the email address above!

(C = canvasser, R = respondent)

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C: Would you consider voting Alliance?

R: My wife’s Alliance.

C: Well, um, what are you?

R: I’m Church of Ireland.

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C: Have you voted Alliance in the past?

R: I voted Alliance last time, and of course I’ll be voting Alliance
again this time. I’m Greek Orthodox, you see.

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C: Might you vote Alliance this time?

R: Yes, I’ll vote Alliance this time. I voted Green last time, but
this is a proper election.

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R: Sorry I can’t answer the door. I’ve lost my cat, you see.

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R: You know, I was just reading about you in the paper. Are you the
candidate?

C: No, that’s not me.

R: He looks like you.

C: I’ll ensure he takes that as a compliment.

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C: Are there any issues of concern in this area?

R: Can you do anything about the neighbour’s burglar alarm?

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,

  • Percival

    C. – Would you be interested in voting for the Womens Coalition?

    R. – I normally just do what my husband tells me at election time!*

    *This conversation took place between Monica McWilliams and my mum.

  • Sean Og

    C: Are you intending to vote in the European election on Thursday?

    R: No I’m not. I haven’t even heard the songs yet.

  • willis

    C: Can I count on your vote for Reg Empey?
    R: I can’t
    C: Why not
    R: You are in the wrong ward!

  • fair_deal

    The second door I ever canvassed:

    C: Good evening, we are canvassing on behalf of the Ulster Unionist Party. Will you consider voting UUP at the election?
    R: Sorry lads. I vote Alliance. I don’t want my vote to count

  • SuperSoupy

    C: Sorry to disturb you, I’m calling round on behalf of SF.

    R: (farmer type) Get away from the door right now, I’m going to get my shot gun.

    ———————–

    C: If you aren’t going to give SF a 1st preference we’d appreciate a No.2

    R: I’ve always voted for SF, so you want me to vote SDLP 1, SF 2?

    ————————–

  • fair_deal

    A friend’s tale.

    C: I am canvassing…

    R: How dare you come to my door after that Molyneaux and your party voted for VAT on fuel. He should be ashamed of himself.

    C: Perhaps you would like to take your concerns up directly. Mr Molyneaux could you come here a moment

    Pause as Molyneaux comes up path

    M: Good afternoon sir

    R: Hello, I am so pleased to meet you

  • fair_deal

    A story from a friend in Fianna Fail who tells this story of a former irish cabinet minister.

    TD sees constituent gesticulating with his arms. He checks for warning sign to avoid but the canvasser is not giving it. Candidate walks up the path:

    Cand: Good afternoon sir. I am XXX, your local TD.
    Canv: He’s deaf
    Cand: We are just in the area distributing our leaflet about our constituency service and talking to people about local issues and problems
    Canv: I said he’s deaf
    Cand: There are also lots of useful numbers on the leaflet about local public services
    Canv: Are you fucking deaf as well. He can’t fucking hear you.

    Candidate looks at canvasser then back to the constituent and finishes with, wait for it, wait for it:
    Cand: Sure if you hear anything sure give us a call.

  • Belfastwhite

    Young Child answered the door.

    C. Hello is your Mummy in?

    Child. She’s in the bath.

    C. Is your Daddy in then?

    Child. He’s in the bath too.

  • Henry94

    I knew a guy who was canvassing for the Blayney organisation in Donegal. As they climbed a very long steep driveway the local guy explained that the people in the house were the most fanatical Fine Gaelers.

    When they finally got to the door the man of the house came out and said there’s no point is asking me for my vote. Blaney’s man replied. “We don’t want your vote. We just dropped by to tell you shove it up your hole”

  • John East Belfast

    My wife was told this by a West Belfast colleague.

    Apparently Gerry Adams called at the door and her 7 year old opened the door to him and shouts up the hall

    “Mummy it’s that bastard from the TV at the door”

    Apparently when she crawled to the door Adams said –

    “Kids – they dont half let you down”

    I think he saw the funny side of it.

  • mickhall

    Wonderful stuff, this has got to be a regular over the election period, with a prize for the best at the end.

  • fair_deal

    C aka John Taylor aka Lord Kilcluney- Can you read?

    R – Of course I can

    C – Excellent. You’ll be voting for the Ulster Unionist Party then.

  • I remember being told about a Comrades response at the doors many, many years ago when the movement first started canvassing and indeed entering elections.

    (To all SF Canvassers, do not do this at door step!)

    Woman was 60 years of age.

    Knock knock

    Woman: Yes

    Man: Hello Madam, I am calling on behalf of Sinn Féin..

    Woman: Get the **** away from my door you shower of murdering *******……….

    (she continued tirade of abuse for a few minutes and when she stopped)

    Man: I suppose a ride is out of the question?

  • Percival

    One I was told about a senior UUP man out canvassing in Ballybeen. The door was answered by a child of about ten.

    C. Hell-air! Is your mother in young man?

    R. No she’s away down the shops!

    C. What about your father?

    R. Who?

    C. Your father, you do know your father don’t you?

  • Mine

    C: I’m out delivering literature on behalf of the DUP

    R: You couldn’t save me a trip and take it round the back to the bin?

  • fair_deal

    Martin Smyth walking down Roden Street with James Molyneaux.

    2 men standing at the door of Dan’s Bar
    Drinker 1: Is that Paisley?
    Drinker 2: No it’s the other one

  • A friend on the Woodstock Road

    C: I wonder will you be voting Alliance?
    R: Alliance? Youse are like burnt custard?
    C: Burnt custard?
    R: Aye. No effin use to anybody.

    —-

    Alex Attwood to by housemate’s girlfriend, then aged 25

    C: Hello love, are your mammy or daddy in?

    The SDLP lose yet another vote in Andytown…

    —-

    Me in Rush Park

    C: Will you be voting Alliance?

    R1 (slightly inebriated): I don’t live here. I’m only home from working in England. I’ll get my mother for you. I think she might vote Alliance. She’s an atheist. Why don’t you come out of the cold into the living room? By the way, would you like a cup of tea?

    R2 (elderly lady): Alliance? Politicians? I wouldn’t give youse the pickings of my nose youse lazy bastards. Youse have never done anything for me so you can piss off!

  • The Devil

    S/F canvasser: excuse me can we have your vote

    R: No I don’t vote

    S/F canvasser: oh right, can we have your medical card then!!!

  • smacs

    get these out in book form and you’ll make
    a fortune, if “get my head peace “doesn’t steal them first. congratulations on a wonderful idea.

  • Stiofán de Buit

    Do spectacularly inept canvassers count:

    DUP Canvasser: Will you be voting DUP at the election?

    Me: No I’ll be voting Alliance.

    DUP Canvasser: Oh, now……………………………………………………………..
    …………………………..(shuffles)……………………………………………………….(looks at feet)……………………………………………………….(walks off)

  • Magical Mick

    Good God. There are more votes for the alliance party in this page than they gained in the last six elections.

  • Stiofán de Buit

    Magical Mick

    Believe you me, for a non-Unionist living in Newtownards in the late 1980s, there weren’t really many other options.

  • I remember one bloke with a thick Belfast accent who pretended to be Spanish for the purpose of putting off canvassers.

  • Greenflag

    One Northern Ireland voter to another

    The ‘logic’ of Northern Ireland’s new/old/recycled Assembly

    One Northern Ireland voter to another

    ‘ Is’nt it terrible to have to choose between that bollix Paisley and that swine McGuiness ‘

    ‘ Right you are ‘says the other . ‘No matter which way we vote we’ll get the two of them ‘

  • Greenflag

    South Armagh the votes are being counted
    Suddenly a vote is found for a Unionist candidate .

    ‘Put it aside ‘ says the chief returning officer .’We’ll look at it later.’ The count continues , but another unionist vote appears.
    This time the chief returning officer smiles.

    ‘Just as I thought ! That bastard’s voted twice . Annul both votes .

    ( For Unionist electoral comedians the location can be Carrickfergus /Ards etc etc )

  • Greenflag

    FF election agent to canvassers:

    ‘What I want ye to do is to go and knock on people’s doors at midnight or in the middle of their favourite television program and then tell them ye’re from Fine Gael .

  • Henry94

    I heard this one from a serving Irish Minister talking about his early days in FF. A woman said she wouldn’t vote Fianna Fail. “There are two factions in Fianna Fail” to which the young canvasser replied. “I’m only in it a couple of months and I know four factions already.”

  • susan

    lollol…I’m getting the hiccups over these.

  • graduate

    Having just rolled in from knocking doors these have really cheered me up! Keep them coming!!

  • BonarLaw

    Local Government 1997, Belfast, in the rain, at the end of a long day-

    C: Madam, I’m standing for the council
    R: Can you fix my drains?
    C: I don’t give a F*@k about your drains.

    Forum 1996, County Antrim, at the start of what was going to be a long day-

    C: Sir, I’m standing for election next week
    R: I don’t vote
    C: What about your good lady wife
    R: Her neither
    C: I see your son is registered…
    R: Nope
    C: May I ask why not?
    R: The Flood.
    C: Eh?
    R: The Lord is sending a second flood. All mankind will drown. Why bother about votes when that’s comeing?
    C : Is that why your house is built on this hill?
    R : All mankind needn’t include me.

    (C #1 failed, C #2 elected- go figure)

  • Red Mist

    Henry94,

    Post #9 about the Blaney canvass is hilarious. Thanks for that one.

  • Bayswater, European elections 2004. The street where George Osborne (Tory Shadow Chancellor) lives. £1.5M house.

    C: Will you be voting Liberal Democrat.
    R (Terribly posh): Oh, no, no. I could never vote for a drunkard.
    C: I take it, you wouldn’t have voted for Mr. Churchill then?
    R – dead silence.

  • gordon in philly

    12 year old comes to the door with Playboy in one hand, a tin in the other and trousers round his ankles.
    C Son is your Mammy home?

    R WTF do you think?