Clinging to the Comfort Blanket of the Past…

I have not heard the word ‘yearning’ used for some time. It usually means ‘a strong feeling of wishing for something, especially something that you cannot have or get easily’.

This word cropped up in a conversation about getting over broken relationships, where the rejected partner sometimes becomes stuck, yearning for what might have been, mourning for what was lost and refusing to move on.

Such feelings are natural, we have all been there, myself included, where we replay memories of the broken relationship in our minds, agonising about where we went wrong. We romanticise these lost relationships, telling ourselves that our life would be perfect ‘if only…’

Like Heathcliff and Cathy in that oppressive tale of obsession and death (no – Wuthering Heights is not a healthy love story) we become addicted to the strong emotions and drama evoked by our former relationship, making it hard for us to let go of the past and embrace new relationships. We cannot live in the real world; we cannot move on.

Is this what has happened to the remaining paramilitaries in N. Ireland?

They are addicted to the distorted ‘romance’ and ‘glory’ of the conflict. They are holding the line, fighting against all odds, facing down a huge military foe, reclaiming that fourth green field and when someone tries to introduce realism into their minds they answer ‘No Surrender.’ In their heads they are Simply the Best, Defenders of the Realm, they will make us a Nation Once Again.

The UDA, Oglach na héireann, the UVF or the Real IRA will not like the comparison with a lovestruck teenager but yearning about, and constantly reliving the past fools you into thinking you are doing something useful, while the grownups get on with their lives.

It is much harder, it requires more courage and maturity to be an ordinary citizen, holding down a full-time job, caring for your wife and looking after your children instead of indulging in dreams of being a special little warrior or freedom fighter.

Over four decades ago, after a broken relationship, I was in danger of spending my time yearning over what might have been. Luckily some clever and caring women bluntly talked some sense into me, helping me to move on.

Perhaps those wasting their lives in the paramilitaries would benefit if their female relatives talked some sense into them?

Arnold Carton

Arnold is a retired teacher from Lisburn, now living in Belfast.