A call to arms: the zombie peril is before us

When unforeseen natural disasters strike it is common for the government to be blamed – sometimes somewhat unfairly- for failing to mount an adequate response.

In this case, however, the disaster was signposted yet no proper measures were put in place. Only a week ago it was revealed that Leicester City Council had no preparations in place to deal with a zombie invasion. At the time council officials seemed to treat this as some sort of joke: it seems now that the smiles have been wiped off their faces; or eaten off if the zombies got to them. Today 150 zombies invaded Leicester attacking the council offices.

I know some politicians in Northern Ireland read this website and I know that I have attacked many of you but please if anyone in authority is reading: Prepare for the zombie invasion; now whilst we still have time.

Preparations need to be made: Enniskillen island must be prepared; Derry’s walls must be made zombie proof. In Belfast areas of refuge need to be identified: I suggest Malone and Ballyhackmore in South and East Belfast respectively; maybe the Royal Victoria site in west Belfast though it might need closed to patients lest some infected with Solanum get in. I am unsure about North Belfast: maybe the zoo?

Moyle can use Rathlin: I hope other readers can propose safe zones for each council area.

As I suggested previously the only council which probably need not fear the zombie menace is North Down: I simply cannot believe that the inhabitants of Bangor and the Gold Coast would eat people even when undead.

However I make this call to arms:

People of Ulster / Northern Ireland / North of Ireland / Occupied 6 counties (delete as appropriate) I appeal to you: let us prepare for the inevitable zombie attack. We must confront this horror before us: we need to be practically, psychologically and emotionally prepared to defend Ulster / Northern Ireland / North of Ireland / Occupied 6 counties (delete as appropriate) from this menace whilst maintaining our traditional distrust of Prods / Taigs (delete as appropriate) and of course distrust of Alliance types (hopefully they will all be eaten). We must defeat the zombies and then go back to our normal way of life. Only when we can fully recommence our political / religious / ethnic squabble can we say we have truly defeated the zombie menace. Let our watchword be: No Surrender to Zombies / Ireland unfree of zombies can never be at peace. (again delete as appropriate)

This author has not written a biography and will not be writing one.