A call to arms: the zombie peril is before us

When unforeseen natural disasters strike it is common for the government to be blamed – sometimes somewhat unfairly- for failing to mount an adequate response.

In this case, however, the disaster was signposted yet no proper measures were put in place. Only a week ago it was revealed that Leicester City Council had no preparations in place to deal with a zombie invasion. At the time council officials seemed to treat this as some sort of joke: it seems now that the smiles have been wiped off their faces; or eaten off if the zombies got to them. Today 150 zombies invaded Leicester attacking the council offices.

I know some politicians in Northern Ireland read this website and I know that I have attacked many of you but please if anyone in authority is reading: Prepare for the zombie invasion; now whilst we still have time.

Preparations need to be made: Enniskillen island must be prepared; Derry’s walls must be made zombie proof. In Belfast areas of refuge need to be identified: I suggest Malone and Ballyhackmore in South and East Belfast respectively; maybe the Royal Victoria site in west Belfast though it might need closed to patients lest some infected with Solanum get in. I am unsure about North Belfast: maybe the zoo?

Moyle can use Rathlin: I hope other readers can propose safe zones for each council area.

As I suggested previously the only council which probably need not fear the zombie menace is North Down: I simply cannot believe that the inhabitants of Bangor and the Gold Coast would eat people even when undead.

However I make this call to arms:

People of Ulster / Northern Ireland / North of Ireland / Occupied 6 counties (delete as appropriate) I appeal to you: let us prepare for the inevitable zombie attack. We must confront this horror before us: we need to be practically, psychologically and emotionally prepared to defend Ulster / Northern Ireland / North of Ireland / Occupied 6 counties (delete as appropriate) from this menace whilst maintaining our traditional distrust of Prods / Taigs (delete as appropriate) and of course distrust of Alliance types (hopefully they will all be eaten). We must defeat the zombies and then go back to our normal way of life. Only when we can fully recommence our political / religious / ethnic squabble can we say we have truly defeated the zombie menace. Let our watchword be: No Surrender to Zombies / Ireland unfree of zombies can never be at peace. (again delete as appropriate)

  • pippakin

    I noticed that in Leicester some of the zombies made their way to the nearest hostelry, old habits are hard to shake off, especially if bits fall off when you shake too hard. The thing is wouldn’t the liquid leak? I mean its not like eating an arm or a leg is it.

    I would also like to point out that there are a number of zombies in Stormont. You know how it is: the enemy is always within…

  • The End is in sight!

    Take the W7 bus six stops from my stomping ground and you’re in Crouch End (it’s a place not an aim in life).

    This End (famously the location of Bob Dylan’s non-meeting with Dave Stewart) has twice been inflicted with zombies: once in Shaun of the Dead and now in a prize-winning short.

    Crouch End survives the twin onslaught; and is never undersold by the massed ranks of local estate agents. The neighbourhood is more infested by earth-mothers with their life-threatening high-tech push-chairs.

  • fordprefect

    LOL@ Pippa, I agree with you, though calling the ones in Stomont zombies is a compliment.

  • carl marks

    perhaps someone could help me after the alarming news on the last zombie thread i decided to tool up after installing steel shutters and doors a mine field was next, all was going well and i could’nt believe my luck when a met a charming canadian ex military chap who offered me a pile of guns at yellow pack prices. It was’nt until a had paid him and he left nippish i discovered a little problem does anybody know how to get cement out of gun barrels.