Council preparations for zombie attack

Leicester city council has admitted to one of the most shocking lapses any council could. It appears that they have no emergency plan to deal with a zombie outbreak. The following letter has prompted this shocking revelation:

Dear Leicester City Council,
Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.
Please provide any information you may have.
Yours faithfully,
Concerned Citizen

Lynn Wyeth of the council said she was unaware of any specific reference to a zombie attack in the council’s emergency plan, however some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose.

This is clearly unacceptable. However, closer to home what plans do our councils have to defeat the zombie menace?

Fermanagh council could presumably fortify Enniskillen island or maybe make a last stand on Devenish (along with looking for the lost ark of the covenant which as we all know is buried there).

Derry City Council might use the walls as a safe refuge; Carrickfergus could use the castle. However, many of the other councils could have major problems. I suppose Belfast could create areas of safety. Clearly these would need to be the nice, posh bits: I would suggest Malone west of the Lagan and maybe Ballyhackamore east of it. North Down may not need defences: surely even when undead the inhabitants of Bangor would be too polite to eat one another?

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  • joeCanuck

    Very witty, Turgon.

  • pippakin

    LOL!. I think Terry Pratchett has it right when one of his wonderful creations describes zombies as people determined to finish something. I just hope its not a meal….

  • lamhdearg

    there are some parts of belfast that zombies would be better of staying out of, for their own well being. also there are other parts that come 2pm tonight, they will reappear as they do every fri/sat night.

  • sdelaneys

    Surely it is a scarcity of zombies which would most worry our councils? No zombies? Who would fill the benches and the photographs?

  • Cynic2

    NIHRC will have a strategy of zombie rights while the equality commission will be promoting Zombie Equality and demanding reams of data on Zombie Employment, Healthcare, access to
    services, etc

  • FuturePhysicist

    Someone has been reading too many Dr. McNinja comics … if possible.

  • The Raven

    I do believe Turgon has just written the lost Irish chapters of World War Z.

    A council worker friend of mine reliably informs me that some emergency planners use that tome as a training narrative reference for the infrastructure and physical effects of what a virus outbreak would be like.

    Go figure…

  • oracle

    It way to late for that, the Zombies are everywhere…. did you not see how many votes the Alliance got!

  • tuatha

    But how would they be able to tell, given the lurching, leering lumpen infesting most blighted cityscapes these drear daze?
    And yet, and yet, police in Hogsfart, Iowa or somewhere (only in amerika..) this week had to issue a warning that the good folk should not be alarmed about a zombie invasion if they happen to see a film being shot in the town. Shades of the Orson Wells’ radio boradcast in the 1930s of his uncousin’s “War of the Worlds”.

  • wild turkey

    Cynic2

    You need to be more au courant. The rights and equality campaign is already up and running

    http://zombierightsmovement.com/

    To promote positive discrimination for Zombie employment the Commissions newest strapline is

    “Wanted: Dead or Alive”

  • Independent Ulster

    And there is also the awkward issue of designation should they sieze power.

    More worryingly from a Unionist perspective is any potential link up with the Fenian Dead believed to be very very unhappy about the Queen’s recent visit to the Garden of Rememberance.

  • carl marks

    A few years ago a zombie movie several people panicked or was that picnicked.
    over time we have got used to underground movements in norn iron but can we handle them above ground

  • carl marks

    shoulh have read A few years ago a zombie movie was shot in north belfast several people panicked

  • carl marks

    oracle says:
    11 June 2011 at 1:14 am

    It way to late for that, the Zombies are everywhere…. did you not see how many votes the Alliance got!
    your in trouble now oracle the zombie united front has issued a press statement attacking you for comparing them to polictians they say things are tough enough for the undead without thse type of slurs

  • Turgon

    oracle,
    You know I very rarely censor comments but I must warn you. Comparing zombies to Alliance voters is as carl marks says an unacceptable slur. Several zombies have contacted me today already complaining. If this sort of unacceptable insult is levelled against zombies on a regular basis you could end up carded ;>)

    We on slugger take undead rights very seriously.

  • carl marks

    turgon i have been approached by a rep of the zombie united front and they assure me there are no hard feelings and have went as fer as to ask me to pass on to oracle a invite to there annual dinner dance i feel this is a move towards better relations between the undead and the majority population and urge oracle to accept

  • Turgon

    carl marks,
    Fair enough. I would, however, suggest that inviting oracle to the dinner might be more satisfying for the zombies than for oracle.

  • pippakin

    carl marks

    You appear to think the er, living, are the majority population. You may need to revise that. In your own time of course…they’ve got plenty, of time.

  • carl marks

    pippakin
    point taken, i am informed to watch my terms of reference the phase “undead” is regarded as oppressive zombies prefer to be called ” after life people” or alp’s for short they refer to us (asuming the reader is not a alp) as fast food and shall be pressing for a law passed in the assembly to reduce the max speed for walking to 2 miles per hour to as they say “give them a chance”

  • Rory Carr

    Of a more pressing nature than any preparations for zombie attack is the burning issue of what preparations councils have taken to ensure that counselling and prayer meetings are made available to help rescue those zombies who may have fallen prey to unnatural desires.

    The ordinary citizen can play his or her part as well by ensuring that all copies of Judy Garland discs, cd’s, tapes etc. they may find among their collections are destroyed. No point in encouraging them.

  • carl marks

    Rory Carr
    i think you are confusing zombies with ghoul’s judy garland is considered so last year among alp’s however the walking dead now that’s something they can shuffle to,

  • Zombies took over Magherafelt Council years ago… or was it Dinosaurs?

  • joeCanuck

    Great article in the July issue of Harper’s Magazine by 3 University mathematicians; computer modelling study of an outbreak of zombie infection. Isn’t online yet or I would have cut and pasted.

  • dwatch

    In South Belfast Mauds scrumptious new ice cream parlour and cafe on the Lisburn Rd is the new safe haven from zombies. Cherryvalley golf club was once a safe haven in East Belfast but has now unfortunately been inflitrated by Braniel supporters of the zombies. UUP Councillors Squeaky Rodgers & Michael Copeland are as usual running round in circles trying to find a replacement for Cherryvalley, but having no success as 3 Alliance councillors from Victoria ward have refused to back them believing them to be up to Ulster Unionist skulduggery. The SF dominated Belfast City Council has decided to open the door of the Mayors parlour for citizens from West & North Belfast who want to escape the zombies. Unfortunately only SF councillors & supporters have accepted this offer as Unionists refused to enter the parlour because of offending pictures hanging on the wall.
    http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/politics/pictures-row-rekindles-memories-of-city-hall-sectarianism-16010751.html#ixzz1P37sQXzj Instead the DUP councillors and supporters all congregated in the Linen Hall library just across the road.

  • carl marks

    i was afraid of this the extreme wing of the zombie movement have entered the debate prepare yourselves for reprisals from the continuity zombie united front and real zombie united front, how long till the zombie defence association join in.

  • carl marks

    the traditional undead voice have stated that they support the right of loyal zombies to shuffle the queens highway

  • Riddle me Ree

    Q Where are the zombies?
    They’re in the lobbies, and in the parties
    But none are Peter’s and none are Marti’s
    They are neither armies of bodies, or bodies of armies

    Further Clue
    28 days after the assembly elections they’re on the shuffle

    Where are the zombies?
    Why look in SDLP, TUV and the UUPs

  • skidmarx

    As salt renders zombies harmless, I don’t think the citizens of Leicester have much to worry about:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4791941.stm

  • carl marks

    skidmarx (profile) says:
    12 June 2011 at 9:29 pm

    As salt renders zombies harmless, I don’t think the citizens of Leicester have much to worry about:

    salt makes them harmless eh i have spent a fortune on guns big knives baseball bat’s etc and i could of taken them out with a bag of saxa you could of told me sooner

  • Turgon

    carl marks,
    I would be very cautious about believing skidmarx on the salt issue. I think he is a closet zombie. Best stick to lots of weapons.

  • Ford Focus cars should be provided free to families in infected areas to allow them to escape to a place of refuge (in salt mines?)