Wake me early, I’ve got a Brit to kill….

Love him or loathe him, Irish cyberspace has not been the same since Kevin Myers abandoned his perennial post on the far right of the Irish Times op ed page. Since taking up his new position in the Irish Independent he has disappeared to those of us who prefer/can only get our news online. But he makes a temporary comeback with an extraordinary extract from his new book Watching the Door in yesterday’s Sunday Times: Here’s one segment to give you a flavour:

SEX was — by general Irish standards — extremely casual and often quite spontaneous at that time. It was offered as a reward to paramilitary leaders by young females, and it filled the wet, grey air.

One girl only came home with me on condition I set the alarm nice and early. Of course, I said, puzzled. It was still dark when the alarm went off and the girl rose and got dressed, kissed me goodbye, took her holdall and set off.

I bumped into her long afterwards and she told me there was a good reason why she got up when she did. The holdall was for the gun she was going to collect, and the man she and the rest of her IRA unit were intending to kill worked early shifts.

Happily for him he slept late that morning.

  • Lurker

    A better title for this would have been Riding and Running.

  • upset

    nice to know our young friend was offered such excellent entertainment by the era.
    what a shame it is usually the innocent who die in conflict.

  • GrassyNoel

    Can’t wait to see what The Phoenix will do with this!

    And Frank McNally is more than holding his own with an Irishman’s Diary; Myers’ columns were beginning to resemble smart-ass Junior Cert essays by the time he’d left.

    Personally I find images of Myers the Lusty Loverboy Lothario hard to stomach, let alone to believe. Maybe he’s after getting caught up in the fantasy dreamworld of Moleville where he’s re-imagined himself as some kind of James Bond-type figure trampolining in and out of women’s beds while all the jealous baddies chase him in vain around the city.

    Yeah right, Kev.

  • Professor JM Keynes

    “Can’t wait to see what The Phoenix will do with this!”

    Now there’s something you don’t hear every day.

  • bootman

    Does he actually claim that this is non-fiction?

  • Betty Boo

    Does he need to?

  • Yokel

    I’m not surprised both sides tried to do him in at various points…..did you see that geezer’ hair? Criminal.

  • páid

    Our Leicester Lothario claims

    With such gallant cross-community endeavours as mine, peace was surely at hand

    Aye, right.

    Codpiece surely in hand, more like.

  • SFM

    It’s probably one of the few times I’ll ever find common ground with a cold blooded UDA sectrian killer… but really is any of this believable? Running out the side door of a Loyalist Club with his Mickey out? The ‘Black Window’ chasing him up the Falls? It’s amazing that only one journalist, who really did put his life on the line for truth, is all that have been killed during the conflict if there is any truth in this stuff. It is a mix of Bond, Biggles, Reilly with a good dollop of light 70’s porn.

  • Mark

    Unusual to see someone so openly proud of the fact they sneak around having sex with married women and it seems he prefers them to be drunk.

  • Mark

    His views on unmarried mothers and their children seem hypocritical given his own self confessed low moral standards when it comes to sex.

    Or maybe it explains his views as he seems to treat women married and unmarried alike as sexual objects to be used for his own gratification regardless of their sobriety, morality or the risk to his own safety.

  • Professor JM Keynes

    Mark McGregor – 53 at birth.

  • From reading that excerpt he seems to be painting himself as some kind of James Bond / Indiana Jones of Northern Ireland; bravely crossing the divide to dodge bullets, evade mobs and ride drunk chicks.

    Oh Kevin, tell us the story where you stopped the bombing of Stormont while you simultaneously shagged both Gerry Adams’ and Ian Paisley’s entire family (the female ones only, of course) as they both looked on, proud to have their loved ones rodgered by the great Myers, hero of Belfast…

    Ah auld Myers is only winding us up, as always. He doesn’t actually believe what he says, it’s all fiction and it always has been; but God-damn it makes a fine headline/attention-grabbing read, doesn’t it?

  • Oilibhear Chromaill

    Kevin ‘kiss and tell’ Myers. this is surely a wind up….did he keep a diary? Can he produce Danielle to substantiate his claims?

    Sorry, I must go and roll around on the floor with mirth…… poor, poor Kevin…..reduced to selling his sexual history as ‘entertainment’.

    Do we look for this book in the comedy section or the adult section of Waterstones?

  • GrassyNoel

    Sorry just had to come back and put the boot in one more time before I head home for the evening. At the risk of providing too much information, for which I apologise in advance, I actually brought this particular section of the ST into the bog with me yesterday. I could not get over what tripe I was reading and I would have wiped my arse with the article except you know what the ST’s print is like – I didn’t want to get all that horrible dusty black newpaper ink all over my pert miky-white cheeks.

    Myers surely has to now be crowned as the biggest muppet to ever have covered the situation in NI, let alone to consider himself an authority on the subject. This excerpt reads like some rejected screenplay for a sequel to ‘confessions of a window cleaner’ or something. This bloke really does live in his own little private Walter Mitty Land.

    My guess would be that he was pressured by some desperately over-eager publisher or literary agent to ‘squeeze a few porkies in there Kev, we gotta sex it up a bit, you know the game by now, it’s 2006 mate. Surely you must’ve come home with a few half-decent ‘love-across-the-wire-type war stories, eh?’

    Myers: ‘Er, well…no, not really..’

    Arthur Daly-esque Agent: “CAAAAAAA-MON Kev, do me a fayvah Mate, I’m troyin’ ta push yer fackin’ poxy book ‘ere..”

    Myers: “Mmm, well, er, perhaps I could permit myself to dabble pernicoulsy int he dark arts of embellishment just this once, for the sake of peace in the province , don’t you know…it will provide some light-hearted relief for the troubles’ victims on both sides of the divide after all, and I think they would all benefit from a little mutual mirth-making…’

    A.D.A. :” AAAA-AATTA BOY KEV…” (Blows think heavy cigar smoke in Myers’ face)

  • Ain’t half hot mum

    I think we know now why the Irish Times where not to eager to maintain Myers services, surely such a ‘factual’ account would have caused damage to the southern paper of record. Scary to think of the sorts the ‘paper of record’ had covering the conflict. Kevin ‘on her majesty’s back’ Myers, Jim ‘Walter Mitty’ Cusack. Ed ‘super Provie’ Maloney might even be a best of a bad bunch.

  • Using a random story generator, I have ‘scooped’ the sequel from Myers.

    It all started when our cliched, protagonistic figure, Kevin Myers, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally frustrated, Kevin Myers grabbed a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved sex was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, the IRA. Kevin Myers had known the IRA for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. The IRA was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little… annoying. Kevin Myers called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

    The IRA picked up to a very ecstatic Kevin Myers. The IRA calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras panic before mating, yet legless puppies usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Kevin Myers. Why was the IRA trying to distract Kevin Myers? Because he had snuck out from Kevin Myers’s with the sex only nine days prior. It was a exotic little sex… how could he resist?

    It didn’t take long before Kevin Myers got back to the subject at hand: his sex. the IRA yawned. Relunctantly, the IRA invited him over, assuring him they’d find the sex. Kevin Myers grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, the IRA realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the sex and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Kevin Myers took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least seven minutes before Kevin Myers would get there. But if he took the wee car? Then the IRA would be scarcely screwed.

    Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, the IRA was interrupted by three oafish Johnny Adairs that were lured by his sex. The IRA shuddered; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling relieved, he recklessly reached for his gerbil and carefully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the wee car rolling up. It was Kevin Myers.

  • Nic

    One is reminded of Frank McCourt’s “Angela’s Ashes”, also an autobiography which succeeds very well at capturing the atmosphere of it’s era, even though, shall we say, “questions have been raised” about the veracity of various anecdotes.

  • Donnacha

    So during the Great Escape, it turns out that there was a handy exit in the toilet of a terrorist drinking club? You’re kidding me, right? Isn’t it sad when wish-fulfillment gets the better of the weedy author and he tstarts thinking he is Tarzan. It’s Wilbur Smith with a Belfast accent….

  • aquifer

    Horrible if it had been true, tho’, and the sex was all mixed up with power and killing. Then we really would have lost our innocence or adolescence or something.

    Just as well we can’t read his stuff for free on the internet, it could spoil our whole day.

  • Shuggie McSporran

    I believe him.

    There was a war on, there was danger, there was excitement, and fear and guns all around in the wet, grey air – people could have got killed at any moment, either shot dead, blown up or walking in front of a bus in the fog – and what did they have to lose?

    One last life-affirming act of defiance against all the death and destruction – one night of fun with Kevin Myers, the Austin Powers of west Belfast, because there might not be a tomorrow? – what the hell, you’d probably do it yourself.

  • Micky Spilane: “There was a war on, there was danger, there was excitement, and fear and guns all around in the wet, grey air – people could have got killed at any moment, either shot dead, blown up or walking in front of a bus in the fog – and what did they have to lose?”

    I liked the bit about holding the letter box open. How did the ‘Ra manage to zoom in on their target? And why the string? Why not just hold the flap open and then retreat upstairs fpr a big of fun with Myers, Kevin Myers?

  • Anyone else remember his reporting from Sarajevo, risking life and limb with about 1 million other Europa Hotel hacks?

  • Armed Atheist

    Easy to spot the sexually unsuccessful among you lot *snigger*.

    I suspect Myer’s real crime here is to offend against the conventional accepted narrative of the Troubles – a by now familiar tale composed of familiar and comfortingly miserable elements; sex – no way! that’s not in the story! There was no sex in the Troubles! Prove it! Produce a witness!

    I remember watching Eamonn McCann’s account of the early days of the Troubles on some documentary he said something like – We were a rock and roll generation too, there was a lot of sex and drink too.

    People had sex during the troubles and I defy anyone to prove otherwise.

  • Harry Flashman

    Say what you like about ol’ Kev but at least he kept the Irish Times letters page interesting.

    Jesus have you seen the drivel they publish there these days? Forty seven missives on the finer points of the western rail corridor and three weeks of discussing hospital consultants’ pay, really makes the eye-watering 75 euro subscription fee worthwhile!

  • Kilburn Kate

    “People had sex during the troubles and I defy anyone to prove otherwise”.

    Not only was there no sex in Ireland before television but there was none after either. Thise who fought for civil rights, people such as Bernie Devlin or Cathal Goulding, never lowered theor moral standards even if they had sex outside of the holy sacrament of marriage.
    With the type of people the IRA signed up and the breakdown in order, do you not think throwing the leg over became a big sport? Think Denis Donaldson and Bangers Morrsion for starters.

    Myers is often availalbe online in the early hours. Thankfully, he is not there now.

    Incidentally, dod Myers use a condom? Did he father any “bastard” child? Is he paying support? Did A Provette give him a dose of the clap for the cause? We need to know.

  • Myerswatch believes the Colonel and has summarised his sexcapades over at Cruiskeen Eile. We have a little surprise for Slugger embedded in our tale too.

  • GurnyGub

    I see a major movie deal here..wonder if Robin Askwith’s available?

  • Brendan

    That. bloke. is. a. nutter.
    5 words that sum him up – he can quote me on his next huge best-seller sleeve.