“…of course the IRA didn’t kill Denis Donaldson – perish the unworthy thought. At least, not the IRA we have come to know and love, the IRA whose shopfront boasts: “Under new management” no connection with any organisation previously trading under a similar name and operating from these premises. I hope that is clear. P O’Neill says the IRA didn’t do it and Gerry Adams says the Republican Movement (that’s the Republican Movement as in ‘under new management and … connection with etc etc’) had no involvement in Donaldson’s death.
There can be therefore no doubt. Except as to who actually did it. Sherlock Holmes – for whom this would not be a taxing investigation – used to say that “when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains – however improbable – must be the answer”. Applying Holmesian logic to this situation, we can therefore rule out: the Provincial Building Society, the Knights of St Columba, the crew of the Titanic, West Bromwich Albion, the Seventh Ballygonowhere Cub Pack, St Teresa’s over-seventies Camogie Club, the entire staff of B&Q and a few more.
All of which points to and leaves only… but you’re ahead of me there, my dear Watson…
Mick is founding editor of Slugger. He has written papers on the impacts of the Internet on politics and the wider media and is a regular guest and speaking events across Ireland, the UK and Europe. Twitter: @MickFealty