Storytime with Houdi – My Quest to Cancel Sky…

‘Will you finish off the hoovering of that room of yours? I haven’t any more time. I’m away to work’. It must have been a rhetorical question as my wife Carole didn’t wait for an answer. I had recently converted the large living room into a home cinema replete with an 84 inch screen, Panasonic projector with six permanent Java speakers. The concept was perfected using blacked out curtains to create the darkness. On this occasion I chose to binge watch Breaking Bad, the story of a taciturn teacher Walter White who morphs into a drug baron. I stepped over the vacuum cleaner intending to finish it before she came home. Intended to do it, but didn’t.

Six episodes later as Walter White built another Crystal Meth laboratory, my viewing was interrupted by Carole who opened the door of the cinema, the light slicing through the darkness. Standing rigid, her silhouette rendered her the countenance of Countess Dracula. With the lights now on she stared at me on a black leather chair that looked like the open palm of King Kong. Her face scrunched up like the crisps and kitkat wrappers lying beside me. Her demeanour didn’t mellow as she observed three tea mugs, the contents of one spilled on to the carpet. Unfortunately, she didn’t see the vacuum cleaner, still in the exact location where she left it, tripped, landing on an enormous black bean bag that looked like King Kong’s arse. This was Breaking Bad for me.

After finding her composure she announced ‘we are spending far too much on TV. Amazon Prime £5.99, Apple TV £4.99, Netflix £6.99, Paramount+ £4.99 because you forgot to cancel the subscription after the free month trial, Disney+ £4.99 and Sky £75. I can’t believe that you—no WE are paying SKY SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS A MONTH FOR SKY TV.  I don’t even watch it. You work sixty hours a week. I don’t know where you get the time to watch it either. Do you not think that is a wee bit too much? On top of that we have to pay the TV licence’. I told her I would sort it.

What I didn’t realise was that it is easier to find the exit in IKEA or climb Slieve Donard than it is to cancel a SKY TV subscription. I googled SKY on my iPhone. The first search led me to a screen declaring ‘call the SKY experts’. The page had reams of all types of SKY TV and broadband deals screaming at me.  I called them up to be greeted with a list of choices

1. If you are interested in getting Broadband or TV please press 1
2. If you would like to talk about upgrades with your current provider please press 2
3. If you have a query about your bill with your current provider please press 3
4. If you require an engineer, need technical support or would like to let your provider know you are moving house please press 4
5. And if you are looking to downgrade or cancel your current service please press 5

I pressed five. ‘We are sorry but as a third party we are unable to help you with this type of request. Please contact your provider directly or visit their website where you can find answers to most queries. Once again we apologise for any inconvenience caused’. My next search took me to another page NEED TO CONTACT SKY TV, expecting a direct telephone number but instead I was given four options, Sky+, Sky Q, Sky Glass, Sky Stream, but no telephone number.

My next search was Bill Payments Assistance so I pressed that to discover three options, My Payments, Difficulty Paying, My Bills Explained. I pressed My Payments. Six more options were offered: Managing My Payments, My Payment Method or Date, Making a Payment, Direct Debit Guarantee, Direct Guarantee Mobile, Direct Debit Guarantee (streaming tv). I pressed Managing My Payments, then tried the Difficulty Paying link, but what I really needed was a Not Paying Link.

Instead, I was offered the choice of Debt Management, Managing My Call Charges, Difficulty

Paying SKY Talk Bill, Difficulty Paying TV Streaming Bill, Financial Difficulty. I pressed Financial Difficulty. At last, I had several options highlighted in Azure blue font. I won’t list them as I realise most of you readers are now in the depths of narcolepsy. But hurrah it had a CANCEL option which I pressed. Then another four options. Cancelling SKY TV, Cancelling SKY Broadband, Cancelling SKY Talk, Cancelling SKY Mobile. I pressed cancel SKY TV.  I was offered 12 other options, mostly warnings NOT to cancel my direct debit OR ANY OTHER PAYMENT as I could still owe SKY money. I was warned on several occasions my credit rating would be negatively impacted if I cancelled.

I looked over my shoulder to see if there was a SKY SWAT team circulating my bungalow.

Thankfully there was no sign of a SWAT team but I got a pop up: How was your recent visit to SKY? Would you like to participate in a survey? Your opinion is valuable as we are a customer driven organisation. This was like walking through quicksand or swatting bluebottles. I deleted that message but still I got no phone number. I pressed MY SKY.  A window opened asking me for my user name. I tapped in all my known user names to be informed that I didn’t exist.  I’m going to be locked out of the chat. Again I looked over my shoulder still no sign of the SKY SWAT team. I closed all the previous windows to start again.

I had an idea that might work. Just cancel the direct debit with the bank. By the time I made a cup of tea I received another pop up warning me that cancelling a Direct Debit without informing

SKY  is a breach of contract. I need to give SKY 31 days notice as per the signed agreement. The message indicated that my credit rating will be badly impacted. It could impinge on my getting a mortgage, even if I don’t want one. Are they listening to me in my own home? I looked about the house again. Still no sign of any men in black. After checking outside for any signs of military personnel I gave myself the all clear.

I remembered that on the Martin Lewis money show on ITV he was talking about a chat forum that was established by disgruntled SKY customers. So I then went into the cloakroom as it has no windows. It would act as a panic room like what all the rich people have. The SKY SWAT team won’t find me in there. I read the chat from the members to discover an actual number to cancel SKY TV. 0330 029 0926 I called it, but SKY must have infiltrated the Martin Lewis forum as the number changed on my screen to 0808 506 2465.

I’m welcomed to the SKY team. I’m given four options. 1. If you want to get SKY TV or broadband please press one. 2. If you are already with SKY and want to upgrade please press two. 3. If you are interested in SKY mobile please press three. 4. If you are a SKY customer already and need customer services please press four. I pressed 4. If you are already a SKY subscriber and want to discuss making changes to your existing subscription press 2. YES YES YES. I pressed 2. Three options were offered. If you have a technical issue or require an engineer press 1. If you want to cancel SKY with Immediate effect please press 2. YES YES YES YEEHAAH. I pressed 2. We would love to help you as a SKY partner. We are keen to help SKY customers wherever possible. However this type of request needs to be handled by SKY directly as our agents won’t have the information required to help you. We recommend you visit SKY.COM or the sky app. If you still need to speak to an adviser please contact 0333 759 1018. At this stage I was ready to ring Haldane and Fisher to buy a rope or a gallon of weed killer.

I rang the number, initially thinking I had mistakenly rung a sex line as a very silky sultry voice told me that she doesn’t recognise my phone number (do sex line companies retain numbers?). She told me again she doesn’t recognise my number, but that’s a pity as I have pulled down my trousers. I was about to remove my boxer shorts when she informed me the number I’m calling from is not linked to a SKY account. In total despair I pulled my trousers back up and googled SKY.COM. It took me around the exact same merry go round as previously described.  Completely drained of energy I crumbled to the floor weeping like Walter White admitting his guilt to his son during his mental breakdown.

Eventually I got the courage to leave the cloakroom checking all around the house to reassure myself that the SKY SWAT team were not in the vicinity. I logged into Ulster Bank to cancel my Direct Debit ensuring it didn’t kick in until the following month as I was that scared of an armed black figure with smoke grenades smashing through my living room window swinging on a rope.

The following Wednesday returning from my beach run I turned into my driveway. My stomach heaved as if I drank a litre of Andrews Liver Salts. There it was. A white van parked outside my front door. A white Van bearing the logo SKY TV. The driver was on to me quicker than an owl on a field mouse.  I was waiting on the SWAT TEAM to come over the roof of the house when he said ‘are you the owner of this house?’ ‘Yes’ I whimpered. ‘I’m here to talk to you about your SKY account’. ‘I can’t take much more of this’ I thought. Then redemption. ‘This is 4 Tamarisk Drive isn’t it?’ ‘ no, that’s next door, I’m no2’, I answered, relieved, like I had just escaped from a hijacked aeroplane.

Carole came home later on in the day. ‘Eugene, have you ever heard of a TV series called Gangs of London?’ ‘Yes, Michelle Fairley from Coleraine is in it. Why do you ask’. ‘The girls at work said it was good’. ‘I’d love to see it Carole but it’s on SKY ATLANTIC and we don’t have it’. ‘That’s a pity. Could you not ring them up and get a deal?’ She uttered, with all the sincerity of a Presbyterian Minister.

Houdi McCabe

Originally from Clones Co. Monaghan, Houdi McCabe is a legend in his own mind. He worked as a Branch Manager with Dunnes Stores all over Northern Ireland for 42 years. Retired, he now writes and acts on a full time basis, with over thirty films/plays within his oeuvre. Some of his stories have been adapted for short films, by himself and with other collaborators. He is a regular performer at literary events TENX9, Soundwaves Portrush, Pub Poetry Causeway Coast, First Drams NI and Flash Fiction Armagh. Resident in Portrush Co. Antrim he is married to local girl Carole Robinson.
They have three adult children and one grandchild, Genevieve. Houdi doesn’t have any pets as he loves himself too much.