Book Review: Dancing With Red Flags by Anna Rajmon…

Donna Moore is from Belfast, and works as an administrator.

Many women can recognise the following situation – you’re dating a guy, and he seems so charming and polished. However, his behaviour constantly makes you feel confused, anxious, and stressed – and you can’t exactly figure out why, because the behaviour itself is so subtle. And by the time you do figure it out, the damage is done.

It would be nice to have a guide that could help us to spot the signs and avoid getting involved with such toxic disasters, wouldn’t it? Well, that guide is here in Dancing With Red Flags.

Anna Rajmon, the author of the controversial memoir Elis – Irish Call Girl, has written a terrific self-help guide for women who want to try and figure out which of those charming men are nothing but trouble, and save themselves a great deal of heartache. She draws on her own experiences with terrible ex-partners, and is not only upfront about that fact, but sees it as providing a valuable perspective:

“…every cloud has a silver lining. What I went through gave me a wealth of experience, and thanks to it, I can now offer you some insights and tools. One of the first lessons is understanding that your worth is not defined by who hurt you or by the emotions you invested in them. The disappointment you feel is not a failure; it’s proof that you tried to trust and love. However, the fact that someone didn’t appreciate your love says nothing about you; it says everything about them.”

Rajmon spares us nothing in outlining her dating experiences and the lessons she drew from them, but she doesn’t rely on these alone. In explaining the psychology behind toxic behaviour, she has clearly read up on what the experts say about narcissistic personality types, manipulative tactics such as breadcrumbing, ghosting, love bombing, slow fading, the silent treatment, and so on.

I know that, for me, I had to nod more than once when recognising some of the scenarios Rajmon describes from her experiences and her research. And I don’t think I’m the only woman who will have a grim sense of familiarity when reading what she has to say. The following description should ring true for many unfortunate enough to have experienced a toxic relationship:

“If you enter a relationship with someone like this, be prepared never to be bored. Everything in the world will be your fault, and every word you say will be turned against you. He will make subtle, venomous remarks about your family and loved ones. He will twist everything and make you feel like you are losing your mind. Worse still, over time, you will start to believe it yourself. You will believe you are crazy, that some things exist only in your head, that you are paranoid, overthinking or imagining things that never happened. A relationship with such a person will take a piece of you.”

From the extracts above, you can tell just how well-written Dancing With Red Flags is. Rajmon’s book flows from point to point so well, and her examples illustrate the sort of needy, controlling, self-serving parasites who cause so much heartache. Her sarcasm helps too – far from being a self-pitying screed, Dancing With Red Flags shows the darkly humorous flair that Rajmon exhibited so well in Elis, and the following quote about a narcissist who tells stories about how unique he is demonstrates this:

“Grandiose narcissists love their tales of exceptionality. Ordinary experiences such as a trip to the woods can turn into an Amazonian expedition where they fought off a jaguar. The fact that they actually got startled by a squirrel is conveniently left out.”

Rajmon also explains why ‘women’s intuition’ isn’t just a cliché – it’s actually one of our strongest allies in detecting the red flags an unsuitable man exhibits, and the one we are most apt to ignore. These and other insights make Dancing With Red Flags a must-read book.

Bear in mind, however, that this isn’t a book which bashes men for the sake of it – Rajmon acknowledges that there are decent men out there. Her purpose here is to help unwary women spot those men who are as far from decent as can be imagined. And she accomplishes that very effectively in this funny, well-written, engaging and informative book. Highly recommended.