An anti sport blog

This is not really an anti sport blog but I could think of nothing else to call it. It is a confessional but I wonder how many other blogger types out there are the same as me (and will admit it).I am 36, 5’7” and weigh 9st 10lbs. As such I am not really cut out to be a sportsman. However, I grew a great deal aged about 16. Hence, whilst in the junior years at school, I was extremely weedy, it is difficult to over emphasise my weediness; I also have asthma; yes I was (and am) a totally weedy nerd.

This is the problem with sport. I do not have a fundamental problem with it but cannot really get that excited about it. If it is on I will watch it; but I would never buy Sky to watch it and will not stop the kids watching Cbeebies to ensure I can see it.

You see I remember being the last one chosen when picking teams at school. I remember the cry “You can have those two” and such like. In rugby I realised very early on that it was the only place in school where serious injury was likely (let’s be honest I was ill equipped to pick fights, our school was very hard on stopping bullying and beating me up was hardly going to prove anything was it?). However, rugby was different: huge farmer’s sons usually my friends became terrifying slobbering monsters charging at me much faster than I could run away. As such there was a simple solution: throw the ball to anyone, whatever team they were on was utterly irrelevant, teams were of no concern; this was a matter of survival..

Of course when one became interested in girls (yes even nerds do) this was hopeless. After all which teenage girls fancied boys smaller than them, who were utterly unsporting (oh yes I had spots, teeth braces and glasses as well, honestly I did).

So what was the solution; a man called JRR Tolkien created it. This most enlightened gentleman created a complete world with small weedy things as heroes (Hobbits). Other lanky things called elves were also very heroic as were short fat things called dwarves. Bad things, which were large and scary, also existed but they kept loosing to the cleverness of the assorted weedy things. There were even beautiful female elves etc. who seemed to fancy the weedy things. It was perfect. This allowed the nerds to exist in a complete parallel universe. Yes they had the contempt of proper boys and the bemusement of girls but it did not matter; we were safe.

Now most nerds grew up and became proper adults. Some did not and became bloggers. Right I have admitted it and feel much the better for it. Any other closet nerds out there?

This author has not written a biography and will not be writing one.

  • Fraggle

    IMO you were more of a dweeb or a dork rather than a nerd.

  • The Dubliner

    You have an usually subtle sense of understated humour for a nerd. Nerds, seen as being afflicted with a mild form of Asperger’s syndrome, are supposed to be humourless types who have been conditioned by cruel circumstances to see humour as a form of humiliation, due to being the butt of other peoples’ jokes. The nerd is seen as awkward and wimpish – the type of useless meekling who couldn’t kick ass even if he was an octopus in a pool full of nudists and had a boot on every tentacle. I suppose the one advantaged of being a nerd is that they never lose their hair. At 6ft 3″ and with a (slightly!) receding hairline, nerdish may be a preferable alternative to eventually progressing to a condition wherein the casual observer cannot decide if I am wearing the world’s most ridiculous toupee or have just lost an epic Silly String battle. Yes, hair. That’s the one advantage that nerds seem over the rest of humanity. Nerds come in two sizes: slim and fat. As Blogger’s go, I tend to picture Pete Baker in the latter category. Mick Fealty is more of a geek than a nerd.

  • dewi

    Strange – Legolas always brought to mind Barry John gliding past those awkward English Orc like forwards.
    Gimli was, of course, Gareth Edwards, force and fury.
    Gandalf? The scheming Clive Rowlands of course.
    Mordor? Twickenham. Sauron? Woodward.
    I always thought this was Tolkien’s inspiration…..

    By the way Turgon, I know u have no interest but would u mind terribly starting thread like:
    “What a glorious day for the Celts in the 6 nations.Please discuss….”

  • joeCanuck

    nice “try”, Dewi.

  • Turgon

    I promise if no proper sport person has started one by tomorrow I will. What will I say though? Fifteen big scary Welsh men defeated fifteen big scary Englishmen in a strange sport with a strange shaped ball.

    I still remember my sports teacher shouting at the forwards “Walk over, drive through and ruck the ball.” What on earth does that mean?

    I was always a back; had the teacher made me a forward clearly he would have been instantly detained under the mental health act it would have been such a crazy idea.

  • Comrade Stalin


    I agree with you. Actually I’d go a bit further and say that I absolutely hate most kinds of sport, especially football. I’ve tried to get interested in it, just so that I don’t have to be left out of conversations, but I can’t do it. This leads to embarassing situations in taxis (for example). “Did you see the match last night ? Feck me that was a disgrace!!” “um, no, I don’t watch football”.

    Nerds, seen as being afflicted with a mild form of Asperger’s syndrome,

    That’s a massive load of bollocks.

  • The Dubliner

    Comrade Stalin, so you figured that bit out, eh? What about the part about the octopus with 8 boots on it in a swimming pool full of nudists? Does that strike you as more plausible? 😉

  • Mark McGregor

    I’m not a nerd. And if anyone tries to claim spending 20 mins arranging sticks into a series of overlapping octagons before going near coal is a weird way to light a fire, they’ll be facing….well..dirty fingers

  • Dewi

    “Fifteen big scary Welsh men defeated fifteen big scary Englishmen in a strange sport with a strange shaped ball.”
    Should read “Fifteen small, nimble, friendly and artistic Welsh men (or hobbits if you like) defeated..(as per original)”

    Usually found it was bluff with the forwards – if I (outside half) found myself at bottom of ruck I’d tickle them..or try and fart to break the tension!

    On a serious point New Zealand have the best idea – they match schoolboy sporting groups by size not age. Always seemed an excellent idea to me.

  • Dewi

    England V Wales available for next 6 days – on my third viewing!

  • dwayne spotta

    So many self-confessed nerds on Slugger-What a shock! Who’d have thought it?

  • lib2016

    Hated team sports myself, I was the fat one with glasses who trundled along behind everybody else. Only later found out purely by chance that around about thirty most people develope a certain amount of endurance and got into walking, sailing alone etc.

    The best bit about it is that’s the age when most of the sports fanatics get too old for teamsports and retire to the bar. Nothing like the satisfaction I got coming into some little harbour and dropping anchor, or windsurfing past the class bully on his way to get langered.

    It wasn’t us that was wrong but that the sports they taught us didn’t suit individualists and loners. If you have a secret dream go for it – it’ll never be cheaper to fly of somewhere and have a go without witnesses.

  • Katinka

    Turgon, there are sports well suited to someone your weight, and size….and your age as well. If you live anywhere near Belfast, I suggest you go down to Belfast Rowing Club, and say you want to be a cox… have to steer a racing boat, but you will have power, giant men will tremble at your every word, girls will welcome you, and the crack is magic! (There is a bar as well….) And the rowers are from age 14 up to and well over 70….a sport for life. And great fun. Have a look at

  • Steve

    As a Canadian nerd I always prefered baseball because, at least till the late teens, its possible to succeed at sport with intelect as opposed to physical prowess. Imagine being 5’4 and 10 stone and leading the team in stolen bases. I was the slowest guy on the team but I knew how and when to steal bases.

    As for being a 5’7 foot nerd I was lucky enough to be a 6’6 nerd so I avoided a lot of the pit falls

  • Comrade Stalin

    but you will have power, giant men will tremble at your every word, girls will welcome you, and the crack is magic!

    Fittingly, this is also a wonderful description of my life as General Secretary of the CPSU. Nadya never understood it, sadly.

    I did lie a bit earlier, there is one sport which I think is cool : curling. You glide a big smooth stone down an alley, and all you can do is brush – brush with all your might. Belfast City Council should sponsor a team of their sweepers to get involved in that. Hmm, on second thoughts ..

  • Yup – hated Rugby and cross country. Liked swimming – but that was an individual sport. Still pull the sport section out of papers today and disregard it unread, and avoid knowing Rugby results etc.

    Interesting, the world of Tolkien appealed to me to .. and maths/computers.

    Best step back into the wardrobe now in case the light does irreversible damage 🙂

  • I was fat but quite enjoyed most sport (football was the exception).

    But you could also take up a sport that doesn’t involve physical effort, well except maybe the ability to stay awake for 48 hours.

  • Spelling Bee

    I also hate sport. Never understood football, hated gaelic, despised basketball, pretty much loathed PE at school.

  • NP

    “Belfast City Council should sponsor a team of their sweepers to get involved in that. Hmm, on second thoughts ..”

    second thoughts indeed, i happen to know that one of their illustrious number spend their working days asleep in Belfast Central Library.

  • joeCanuck

    Ever thought about reporting him/her.
    You’re paying the wages.

  • NP

    I live outside the Belfast council area so i don’t pay his wages. Some of his more psychotic behaviour while worrying, can be entertaining.
    I suspect the council are just waiting to retire him rather than confront the issue.

  • Whoda Thunkit

    Shock: Slugger read by pack of nerds

  • Whoda Thunkit

    Hello, Dwayne, read your post after posting mine. Great minds, etc., etc. What a pair of nerds.

  • joeCanuck

    I guess self-abuse does have its place Whoda! You do read, I take it.

  • There’s a serious problem with the culture in schools that pupils should play the sports they’re told rather than have a choice.

    For instance, years 1-3 we did Rugby, Cross Country and Cricket/Athletics in the summer.

    I hated rugby (actually I still do, but that’s another story). Up until about 17 I was a skinny, gangly big thing and was clearly not designed for this odd game with its bizarre “ball”. Yet for 4 months of every year I had to trapse out onto the pitch on a weekly basis only to stand around the goal posts trying to avoid taking part.

    While it eventually turned out I wasn’t as bad as I thought, I’d still much rather have been playing football (even though I wasn’t much better at it!)

    Seriously though, how many kids are being put off sport because the snobs running our grammar schools have decided they’re all going to play rugby or run round f**king country towns instead of playing football or doing another sport they actually enjoy and want to play.

    We played baseball on the last week of term a few times and I’d happily have done that (I think we got one measly term between first and fifth year). I liked basketball in PE and would have happily done that in games.

    OK, I wasn’t as bad as I thought but what’s the point in sending a tall skinny timid kid out week after week to do something he clearly has no interest in?

  • McGrath

    OK, I wasn’t as bad as I thought but what’s the point in sending a tall skinny timid kid out week after week to do something he clearly has no interest in?

    Posted by beano on Feb 04, 2008 @ 10:48 AM

    Schools in NI aren’t big enough to form children into sufficiently large groups to offer several team sports as options. Frequently its a struggle to offer just one team sport, hence the forced inclusion of nerds, geeks, tools and other assortments of the disinterested and athletically disinclined. So what you get is some type of football, if you like it not or are good at it or not is unimportant far as the school is concerned, which is a pity.

    I can/could play most sports well but I never became obsessed with it all. I would actually try to encourage the “last picks” in what ever sport was being played that day. I once asked the PE teacher if I could play both of the “last picks” in goals (both at the same time). There were no objections, still both of them bolted for the corner flags when someone got through with the ball.