Alex Kane’s estimation of an early winter is that it will simply struggle to get anyone’s attention for a game that keeping local interest seems more problematic than retaining that of governments.
By Alex Kane
As non-election fever sweeps across Ulster, the loudest sound is that of the general public clapping their hands to their ears, in an effort to drown out the babble as politicians and pundits pluck numbers from thin air, and declare them to be potential polling days.
The fact that these predictions carry the same sort of conviction as a wedding vow from Zsa-Zsa Gabor, is neither here nor there; for why spoil the fun for an army of Mystic Megs, who, in the absence of real politics, have little to do but twiddle their thumbs.
The poor old DUP, fed up at being left out of the loop, are now behaving like ferrets on steroids and popping up all over the place to demand their day at the ballot box. So desperate are they to get back to devolutionary politics, that Sammy Wilson, albeit a sort of benign hamster these days, admitted that the party would even be prepared to have a �chat� with Martin McGuinness after the election! One imagines that the �chat� would not be that dissimilar to the one enjoyed by Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty shortly before they exchanged blows and plunged headlong into the Reichenbach Falls.
Generally speaking, political parties don�t like elections in the darkening nights of autumn or winter; for once the clocks go back and the television companies wheel out their peak season ratings winners, nobody wants to open their door after teatime. In what may yet prove to be a tactical miscalculation, Mr. Blair has left it far too late to have an election on October 31st, when the sight of another few freaks and weirdoes on their doorsteps wouldn�t have come as such a shock to the general public.
A Hallow�een poll would also have allowed the candidates to adopt a �Trick or Treat� approach to canvassing. The trick being to keep us on the doorstep for longer than a cursory thank-you�or, as seems more likely, a simple curse: the treat being the promise of a vote if they allow the pensioners back inside before hypothermia strikes.
The wind and waffle of the past few weeks is part of what is known as the �choreography of the peace process.� Sadly, though, this has little to do with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, resembling, instead, �Twister�, a children�s novelty game in which the participants are required to adopt increasingly bizarre positions until one or all of them collapses into an undignified heap. Meanwhile, David and Gerry have been having private lessons, trying to perfect a two-step to the sound of Connie Francis belting out �Oh lay down your arms and surrender to mine.�
Elsewhere, the Secretary of State, having hung a red light over Hillsborough Castle, is attempting to entice passing politicos with the contents of his well thumbed constitutional Karma Sutra. No contortion too outlandish and threesomes particularly welcome.
To be frank, the run-up to Christmas is not a good time for an election. It isn�t the season of good will at all, but rather a frantic, bad-tempered headlong rush into consumer hell. Political parties cannot compete with office parties and over-scripted soundbites will always come a poor second to Santa�s Grotto. It needs to be remembered, too, that Jeffrey Donaldson would have huge difficulty with Santa Claus this year. He would regard it as something less than a full clause, the absent �e� carrying the dreadful prospect of some secret new paragraph; probably some tinsel bedecked Joint Declaration in which St Nicholas would play second fiddle to St Patrick. Santa, he would claim, would turn out to be Gerry Adams with a whitened beard and a load of new Ulster Unionist concessions stuffed up his jumper.
Anyway, since it isn�t all that long until the official pantomime season starts, couldn�t we just hold on for a while? So, a final suggestion to the Secretary of State. Why not book the Grand Opera House and run the whole election business on a firm commercial basis. Let�s face it, if we have to endure the slapstick, histrionics, ga-ga rhetoric and cheap jokes for another few months, shouldn�t we at least be able to sit back in some comfort and enjoy it?
First published in the Newsletter on Saturday 18th October.
Mick is founding editor of Slugger. He has written papers on the impacts of the Internet on politics and the wider media and is a regular guest and speaking events across Ireland, the UK and Europe. Twitter: @MickFealty
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