Lord Falls on, collusion…

Not sure how to introduce this next item. For those of you who are regular subscribers to Fortnight, Lord Falls will need no introduction. For the rest, read on…Lord Falls – – Diary of a slightly revolutionary constitutionalist

Nuala, a chara dhil, I’m just dropping you a wee note to thank you for the great services to truth and justice that you have done to my people. At last it is becoming clear what the real nature of conflict on our troubled island has been and that the real villains – indeed the only villains – have been the crown forces of the British war machine.

You might like to know that my office has established a statistical research group to analyse all the killings of the troubles and to trace the responsibility back to where it belongs. When our researches are complete, we will be happy to put them at your disposal. Indeed, now that we are telling people they can shop the McCartney killers, we might as well give them to the Historical Enquiry Team as well; not that it will be news to the forces of collusion themselves what they have been up to.

Our initial researches show that 37% of all killings can be traced to British agents and hired assassins. These include the obvious ones like when unmarked cars drove up to a barricade and shot at vigilantes. They also include killings by managed informers like Haddock and Scap.

Another 30% of killings have been suicides by members of the security forces. Some of these have been acknowledged, but by no means all of them. The high incidence of suicide among police officers and soldiers is well attested, as is the powerful motivation for concealing the real cause of death among soldiers who shoot themselves. They don’t want to embarrass their families, compromise insurance claims and they want their final act of self despatch to have some propaganda value for the cause. We sympathise with these motivations, but we have too long taken the flak for Brits that have killed themselves with well aimed ricochets that could be attributed to IRA snipers.

We estimate that 20% of troubles deaths were accidents. Just look at the figures for the numbers of IRA volunteers who blew themselves up in the early days. Half of all IRA members who died back then killed themselves.

They obviously did this to prevent loss of life among civilians by driving bombs away from their targets, rather than towards them. This proves that it was not the intention of the IRA to kill people but to save lives, and many of our volunteers have been heroic martyrs in the service of that endeavour.

The other 13% of deaths in the troubles have been due to previously undisclosed medical conditions.

Occasionally this has been acknowledged, as in the case of the man who died of a heart attack at the scene of the Old Bailey bomb in 1973 that I had nothing to do with. That was Gerry Kelly.

But count up all the cases of people who died because of pre existent medical conditions that finished them off when they were standing near an explosion or in the proximity of cross fire, and you will see that the IRA never actually killed anybody in the whole troubles period. Indeed, it was my mission to ensure that they wouldn’t, and these new figures confirm my success.

I foresee that when these figures are released I will be able to declare finally that I was the leader of the IRA through this whole period and take the due credit for my achievements, perhaps in time for a presidential election in the south.

You wouldn’t fancy publishing this for us, would you?

Published in January’s edition of Fortnight magazine

  • Dympna

    A superb piece of work.
    I was pleased to read my own particular favourite, the policing and justice person (irony anyone), getting an honourable mention.

  • Cromwell

    Like it Fallsy, its like that book you wrote “I did’nt do nuffink ever.”

  • Sean

    This is classic

    Push everything to the nth degree in a weak attempt to equate facts with ridicule and therefore make the facts ridiculous but i will say one thing i think he got right

    Our initial researches show that 37% of all killings can be traced to British agents and hired assassins.They also include killings by managed informers like Haddock and Scap.

  • Cromwell

    You’re right Sean, Fallsy never did nuffink ever.
    It said so in his book, I believe him.

  • darth rumsfeld

    Now sit back and wait for turgid 10000 word dissertation from bob mcgowan disputing the conclusions