A bit late, but here’s Squinter’s satirical take on last week’s MI5 deal:
And in another super, soaraway exclusive, Squinter can reveal the transcript of the conversation between Gerry Adams and Tony Blair that led to the British Prime Minister’s statement yesterday emphasising that MI5 and the PSNI will have nothing to do with each other. Ever.
Gerry: Tony, it’s about this new MI5 headquarters you’re building up Holywood direction.
Tony: Who told you about that?
Gerry: Calm down, Tony, it’s in the papers. Your spooks are up front about everything now.
Tony: Oh, right. What can I do for you, Gerry?
Gerry: Well, it would be a big help for me in selling this policing thing if you could make sure that there’s no monkey business between the PSNI and MI5.
Tony: Monkey business?
Gerry: Swapping information on Catholics, psy-ops, setting people up, spying on politicians, dirty tricks, collusion, murder – that sort of thing.
Tony: Fine, no problem, I’ll ring them both and tell them they’re to stay away from each other.
Gerry: You think that’ll do the trick?
Tony: MI5 and the PSNI are not the kind who’d do things they’re not supposed to. You know that, Gerry.
Tony: Piggy promise.
Gerry: How about we put a sign up on the new building saying ‘Visitors and Deliveries Only. No PSNI Past This Point’?
Tony: Splendid idea, Gerry. We’ll put one up at Hugh Orde’s place just round the corner at Knock as well. How’d that be?
Gerry: Tony, that’d be a big help. (Silence…) Tony?
Tony: Yes, Gerry?
Gerry: The PSNI and MI5 wouldn’t go sneaking behind our backs, would they?
Tony: Perish the thought, fella. Those days are over. We’re all singing from the one hymn sheet on our side on this one. Our lads are all delighted at the prospect of Martin as Deputy First Minister.
Gerry: Really? Aahh, that’s so sweet.
Tony: You just put any idea of secret phone calls, clandestine meetings, unauthorised operations, star chambers, inner circles and scheming juntas out of that silly little head of yours.
Gerry: Okay, Tony, and thanks.
Tony: Don’t mention it, Gerry. By the way, are you getting a funny noise on your line too?