Lord Laird: Ulster’s Braveheart…

There’s no doubting John Laird’s passion. As he tells Suzanne Breen, he can’t stand being understated – last year he even stated (scroll down) that history would show that Bertie Ahern “had betrayed his own country”. As for his own role model, well he likes Braveheart, with the important caveat that: “…he met a sticky end – hung, drawn and quartered. I’m very well hung you know, but I wouldn’t want to be drawn and quartered!” Thanks to Mick and Niall for the links!

  • Joe

    Nice to see him raising the tone of the debate.

  • eranu

    FFS, ive just had my lunch, the last thing i want is mental pictures of lord lairds knob !!

  • Betty Boo

    He is “very well hung” though.

  • Mickhall

    I love this article, of late it has been so depressing what with touts etc, then I read this and realized NI is full of normal human beings.

    happy days.

  • Joe

    Now I come to think of it, though, does anyone imagine he would have subtly dropped into the conversation that he had an enormous cock if, say, Stephen Nolan had been doing the interviewing? I can’t help thinking that the real story here is that a member (ho ho) of the House of Lords started going on about his knob for no clear reason and entirely without prompting during an interview with a female journalist.

    I wonder if this is the real reason he couldn’t get the train to Dublin – that he’s physically incapable of making it through a conversation without mentioning how big his cock is?
    “Would you like anything from the trolley, sir?”
    “I’ve got a huge dick, you know.”
    He even seems to hint as much in the interview: “Travelling by train is a sexual thing. It affects a lot of us men.”

  • seabhac siulach

    Interesting as Mr Laird undoubtedly is (knob and all), surely the more(most!) interesting story of today would be the comments by that other old kn.., I mean, Unionist, Ian Paisley in which he claims ‘that many lawyers in the North are involved in IRA money-laundering’ and that he is “deeply fearful” for Northern Ireland’s economic future as IRA ‘criminality’ is taking £500million from the local economy every year. (A slight exaggeration there, I would think)
    Mr Paisley also said he had made clear to Tony Blair that there was absolutely no prospect of power-sharing with Sinn Fein for the foreseeable future, in “a climate of such criminality”.

    So, another attempt by him and the DUP to preempt the IMC report and halt all progress before it even gets started…ably helped by Kincaid and others.

    I note with interest that this major story has not been covered in today’s slugger, what with all the important topics like Zoe Salmon, Pope Benedict and Mr Laird’s knob getting in the way…

  • piebald

    normal human beings Mick ? thats downplaying his contribution just a tad to this part of the world.
    This man is so evolved that he should be known as Super Lord Laird, he who has just invented a new language in about 5 Years flat.
    Excuse me if i think he is a 1st class eejit and if that’s playing the man and not the ball it’s because there is no ball to play with anywhere in these articles. Land Ahoy !

  • crow

    He will be on big brother next.

  • piebald

    Joe – hats off – thats the funniest thing i’ve read on Slugger…Ever !

  • Alan

    “Well hung” – like a pheasant until head and body part company?

  • Betty Boo

    “until head and body part company”
    That seems to have happened quite some time ago.

  • Mick Fealty


    “I note with interest that this major story has not been covered in today’s slugger”.

    Thanks for the heads up. Any chance of a URL?

  • Don’t worry, I’ve found it.

  • seabhac siulach
  • I hear he’s tried to win round republican women to unionism with
    “if you drop this ‘free the six’ craic, i’ll free my 12 for ye yaweehuirye”

  • Interesting, psychologically, that so many sluggers should choose to focus on Laird’s anatomy, rather than his comments regarding the very Teflon Bertie….

  • Peter

    I am no fan of Laird at all and a lot of what he says is thoroughly objectionable to any nationalist.

    However his eccentricities and remarks about penile length aside I found that his observations about the duplicity and hypocrisy of Southerners to be absolutely spot on. He has observed them very well and reflects my own experiences.

  • Brian Boru

    I really would like to know what evidence Lord Laird has that we are anti-Protestant. So much guff! 🙁

  • wild turkey

    what the …..?

    this guy puts a whole new take on the phrase

    question to UTV, can you bump Kelly for a season and give this guy a show instead?

    can’t wait for his interview with zoe and kate figes. even better if it transmits in ulster-scots, with english and irish language subtitles.

    happy days. move over jon stewart

  • Observer

    Suzanne Breen’s articles are usually very engaging and a good read.

    It’s disappointing however that there is no reference to Laird’s PR work with the Loyalist Commission.

  • Lord Laird, what a knob or w***** in U/S! 😉

    Poor man, shows how far he is willing to go for publicity.


  • seabhac siulach

    “It’s disappointing however that there is no reference to Laird’s PR work with the Loyalist Commission.”

    Wouldn’t want reality to interfere with the soft-focus PR piece. You’d never guess that The Tribune was a product of the Independent Newspaper group, would you?
    Obviously, we are to believe that Laird is just some harmless old codger, telling it like it is to those pesky fenians down South, and not someone with very questionable links to loyalist paramilitaries and all the sordid things that go with that, which he has. Yes, this is the very man to be lecturing Southerners on their perceived distaste for Northerners. I would say it is just some Northerners they don’t like, e.g., those like Laird with their charming loyalist paramilitary chums who just love Southern catholics to bits…

  • Jo

    In my youth, I was interviewed by this man and found him supercilious and utterly false as well as having a view of his own value which surpasseth all human understanding, bar his own.

    Needless to say I didnt get the job, and I’m bloody glad I didnt, lest I had been invited to judge the veracity of some of the statements above about his undercarriage…!

  • Oilbhéar Chromaill

    So continues Suzanne Breen’s series on Silly Unionists – for the past few weeks we’ve had Willie Frazer oozing from the Sunday Tribune’s every orifice and now we have Lord Lard himself and his fanciful claims about Ireland, Bertie and his well hung-edness.

    The man did more damage to Ulster Scots than can be undone in a generation and is a great source of amusement among nationalists in general.

  • “even better if it transmits in ulster-scots, with english and irish language subtitles.”

    Ummm… lets be honest about this if anything is indeed transmitted in ulster-scots there’s absolutely no need for english subtitles…

  • Pat Mc Larnon

    It is all pretty pointless but are there any journalists out there willing to confront gutless cowards like Laird who abuse parliamentary privelege? It is clear his remit is not to put any knowledge before the public, but simply for PR stunts and self gratification.

  • I’m a plant water me

    REMOVED! And Banned!!!

  • Biffo

    Now I come to think of it…

    I LOLed for about 5 minutes after reading that.

    Now I’m wondering – what do the Ulster Scots wear under their kilts?

  • pondskater

    “Ummm… lets be honest about this if anything is indeed transmitted in ulster-scots there’s absolutely no need for english subtitles”

    On the contrary, given the sort of tripe served up by Lord Laird of that ilk at the agency as Scotch, I suspect that we need subtitles even for the native speakers.

    Oliver Cromwell is absolutely right to say that Laird has done more damage to the cause than can be undone in a single generation, but why have Nationalists just treated that as a chance to sneer and let the Unionists make a pig’s ear of things instead of representing the third of Scotch speakers in NI who are Nationalists? For a start, could a Nationalist really make a worse job of translating into Scotch than the Unionists employed by the agency to do it? What are the Nationalist parties doing to ensure fair employment practices? Is the agency a neutral environment to work in, and are translation contracts being awarded on merit?

  • piebald

    a NAE PAIRKING sign should be issued to all female journos trying to interview the Todgemeister

  • Lonely Pint


    I’m a plant, water me: what manner of w*****r are you? Putting a person’s address on a public forum is very dangerous and sinister.

    Mick, how remiss of you not to notice?

    A ban is the least you could do to this brave member of the NUJ.

  • Am I the only one to find some of his comments b1gotted? What’s this about?

    “…When they’re half-pissed at the dinner table, their mask slips. ‘F*** off….”

    “They’re not straight down South. If it works out, you’re a cute hoor; if it doesn’t, it’s buried somewhere.”

    He’s a disgusting person.

    “If you placed a tomato and a banana before me and said ‘John, pick the banana’, I’d probably hand you the tomato.'”

    Dyslexia or stupidity?

  • Mick Fealty


    Dealt with. I’ve been trying to revive my ailing laptop all day. Thanks to the person who let me know.

    This is about the most dispicable thing we’ve seen on Slugger recently, and at times the man and woman playing tactics routinely used against journalists and others who’s views people do not agree with have been atrocious.

    NOTE: such tactics usually rebound badly on any of those who resort to them!!

    I’m afraid a ban is all I can do at this point in time, since they have a shared IP address the person concerned could probably not be pursued without a report to the PSNI.

    I don’t think it has come to that just yet, but under sufferance of repeated incidents, I would have no qualms in doing so!

    I’m all for free speech. And I am prepared to go to some lengths to defend the rights of those who come here to legitimately discuss politics.

    But I will not tolerate this kind of abuse, no matter who is behind it!!