Any Norwegian black metal fans out there? Maca? Anyone?!? In The Onion, Satan asks – “Why does everybody hate me?” – “I swear, sometimes it seems like everybody thinks I’m the worst entity in creation” – and disavows all knowledge of said metal scenery From the Op Ed in The Onion –
Oh sure, there are the occasional few who want to be my acolytes, but come on. I mean, have you seen these people? They’re plain weird. Sure, they say that the reason they’re into me is because they’re rejecting society’s small-minded notions of petty morality and embracing a world where “do as thou wilt” shall be the whole of the law, but it’s pretty obvious that they’re really just mad that nobody else in the corporeal realm wants anything to do with them.
I was sort of excited by the ones from the Norwegian black metal scene at first, though. I thought ‘Finally, some worshippers who, if nothing else, at least have the balls to burn down a 900-year old church.’ Some of them even had girlfriends. But that wore off pretty quickly after I caught a few shows. For people who supposedly sold their souls to the devil, these guys couldn’t put together a tune for shit. I mean, I sure as hell didn’t trade them any guitar skills down at the crossroads – or whatever the hell the Norwegian folklore would be – and from the sound of their records, nobody else did either. Let’s just admit it – black metal is lame.
And while we’re on the subject of my mortal followers, don’t believe a word you hear about all these so-called “spawn of Satan” – that phrase gets thrown around quite a bit, but believe you me, most women won’t even come near me. I guess I’ve never really known how to show affection. But I have needs too, you know! I just wish I could meet a nice virgin half-goat woman who totally gets me. But every time I get involved with a receptacle for my seed, it always ends badly.
The only person who understands me is my friend Gene. Sure, he knows I’m a mythical representation of all the tragic and self-defeating fallibility inherent in the human condition, but he doesn’t judge me for it. Lately though, I hardly ever get to see him. Ever since he settled down, he’s spending more and more time with his wife and kid. I know he’s busy, but I miss him. He was an okay enough guy… not quite evil enough for my tastes, maybe, but an okay guy all the same.