Another dubious theory on causation of hurricanes

Eammon McCann may be an expert in the cannon law of the Catholic church, but he’s no great fan of that or any other religion. This tongue-in-cheek consideration of Councillor Mills’ rather unscientific reference to Hurricane Katrina last week is from his column in the Derry Journal.

Update: the story is beginning to break online in the US.

Update to the update: Eamon apologises for inaccuracies in the quotation above.By Eammon McCann

The Mills of God grind slow, but they grind exceeding stupid.

That’s Ballymena DUP councillor Maurice Mills, who has lashed out at the media for failing to report that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans just two days prior a scheduled gay festival called Southern Decadence. “Surely this is a warning to nations where such wickedness is increasingly promoted and practised,” suggested the councillor.

Southern Decadence has been a feature of New Orleans life for 35 years. One wonders why God waited so long before zapping the neighbourhood with his wrath. Maybe His patience just finally snapped.

That’s the view of the man who appears to have inspired the Ballymena councillor. Michael Marcavage, director of Repent America, explained within days of Katrina that, “New Orleans lived too long in a fool’s paradise. Southern Decadence fills the French Quarter of the city with drunken homosexuals engaging in sex acts in the public streets and bars. Hurricane Katrina has at last put an end to this annual celebration of sin.

“May this act of God bring us trembling before the throne of the Almighty.”

I am surprised that the Mills/Marcavage theory still retains currency, given that just last year I personally played a role in proving that the best way of preserving any city from the ravages of hurricanes is to boost the proportion of lesbians living in the area.

I’d chanced on a website which had quantified the correlation between the frequency of hurricanes and the incidence of gay sex. Researchers had taken the weather data from the US meteorological service; then inferred levels of gay sex from the numbers of gay bookshops, clubs and societies listed in the locality; and compared the one set of statistics with the other.

The main finding was that the greater the amount of gay sex in a State, the less likely the State was to be hit by killer weather phenomena. I took the research a small step further by refining the statistical comparison so as to focus on the effect of male as opposed to female gay sexual activity. I was then able to reveal that lesbians appeared to provide even greater protection than gay men.

Thus it was that I was able to demonstrate that South Carolina could save itself from an average of one hurricane a year by attracting five thousand extra, active lesbians.

Perhaps the number of lesbians living in an area should be taken into account when calculating house prices? “Great neighbourhood, prestigious schools, 10 minutes from city centre, protected by dykes.”

I leave that thought with you.

In the meantime, is there not something scary about believing in a God who’d visit such terrible suffering on the beings He’s supposed to hold in infinite love? Particularly when hurricanes, earthquakes and the like don’t discriminate between the righteous and the wrong-doers.

How does that old hymn go again?

The hurricane and earthquake,
Relentless burning sun,
The floodings and the famines,
He caused them, every one.

First published in the Derry Journal

  • Rob

    Hey, I’ll convert to lesbianism if it’ll help.

  • TAFKABO

    Christianity summed up.

    God is love.

    And if you don’t believe that, you’re gonna burn in hell for all eternity

  • Lets have a bit of the Christmas spirit and post him Christmas cards this year.:-)

    Cr.M.T.Mills DUP
    6 Parkmount Crescent
    Ballymena
    BT43 5HS
    (H) (028) 2564 3924 (M) 07740 758551
    Cr.mills@ballymena.gov.uk

  • cynical

    “The main finding was that the greater the amount of gay sex in a State, the less likely the State was to be hit by killer weather phenomena. I took the research a small step further by refining the statistical comparison so as to focus on the effect of male as opposed to female gay sexual activity. I was then able to reveal that lesbians appeared to provide even greater protection than gay men.”

    teehee, I like it, like it alot.

    On a more serious note, the very fact that people like Mills are actually elected representatives and can claim that they represent the views of x number of people is profoundly disturbing, even more so if the man is re elected next election time.

  • The problem with the kind of comments Cr.Mills makes is where is the line drawn? If a person views cataclysmic events through the lense of their own morality, when does it become just ignorant prejudice? All hell’s let loose.
    The Holocaust was God’s punishment for Jewish apostasy we often hear. The polish, invaded by Hitler, then abandoned by the Allies in 1945, oh they must have done something wrong, we hear.
    I suppose next we’re going to hear that the famine in ireland was god’s punishment for xyz..
    It shows how banal and merciless it is to play the God card. Only the very safe can talk about right and wrong.

  • George

    Cannon Law of the Catholic Church? A bit of tongue in cheek yourself Mick?

  • gg

    I think we in NI must be quite a bit out of favour with the Almighty. We must all have done something pretty bad, or why else would he send us Paisley and the DUP?

  • steve48

    Given that natural disasters are in the mind of Cllr Mills linked with sin what preparation is Ballymena Council making for the imminent eruption of Slemish with the associated lava flows heading for the Doury Road. Since Councils have a responsibility for emergency planning has anyone seen an advert for a council volcanologist. Alternatively they could advertise for a vulcanologist in the hope of getting Dr Spock, think of the possibilities, Maurice Mills could be beamed to the site of any natural disaster to witness at first hand God’s wrath or Dr Spock could mind meld with Maurice and relate to the world the intricate humanitarian thought processes that operate there.

  • Didn’t a mini-hurricane hit Rasharkin a few weeks ago?

  • TAFKABO

    I’d like to know what the Ulster-scots for Vulcanologist is?

  • Belfast Gonzo

    paul

    Indeed. The Sunday World pointed out yesterday (Jim Campbell, IIRC) that Ballymena is to host some gay pride event.

    If the mini-tornado in Rasharkin was anything to go by, I reckon Ballymena could be in for twister this time, or at least a plague of locusts.

  • TAFKABO wus nae the scientific study of stane, stonies yese larn @ schuil

  • ‘Only the very safe can talk about right and wrong.’

    spirit-level, you’ve been outed. Christy Moore is with us….

  • re: gg’s comments about Paisley and god – think we’ve got it all wrong. Actually Ian’s behavior only makes sense when you realise that he’s involved in an on-going, long-term art project; ‘The Reverend’ is strictly a character that he’s been playing (and playing with an intense commitment I might add) and his daughter is a ‘collaborator’ in this epic performance piece – he’s really N.I.’s very own Duchamp or Beuys…