There may be troubles ahead…

In todays’s Irish Times, NI’s top satirist bar none, Newt Emerson sees some ‘fascinating’ parallels between the Abbey’s troubles and those of another centenarian, Sinn Fein.

“We do have some financial problems but it is important to remember that there is no suggestion of theft, fraud or dishonesty,” explained an Abbey national chairperson. “As the sole legitimate theatre company of Ireland, nothing we do can be a crime. Except against art.”

The Abbey is expected to announce shortly a complete cessation of backstage operations before permanently transferring its main cast of characters to the front lobby.

“This is a testing time for all those of us who have given our lives to this unique national institution,” said an Abbey president- for-life. “We have been told to get rid of our most cherished props, forget our most celebrated acts and move on from our most famous roles. Everyone has been asked to help sell the programme.”

The exact wording remains unknown at time of going to press but leading playwrights say it is unlikely to contain many surprises. “They’ll start by thanking all their actors for every performance they’ve given down the years,” one playwright said.

“They may acknowledge that a lot of people corpsed but they always blame that on problems with the set. They’ll congratulate themselves at some length for noticing that the curtain has finally come down although they won’t use the expression ‘final curtain’ as actors are very superstitious.”