Satire, without pause for breath…

Northern Irish satirist Newton Emerson, with a decidedly innimical interpretion of an unsuspended Republican sentence (subs needed) in today’s Irish Times.

Health warning: Readers who use punctuation as an aid to breathing are advised to take oxygen with the following – [Irish Times] Ed)

Sinn Féin dismisses any suggestion that dismissing a suggestion is not a denial of biased allegations of criminal activity against our party which has a mandate and will not be marginalised by political accusations which are clearly orchestrated by British securocrats working to an agenda defined by Ian Paisley that must be resisted to further the process of including Ian Paisley in a process of excluding Ian Paisley despite his mandate when he resists our agenda and fails to acknowledge the legitimate concerns of ourselves and others regarding the direction of future progress on sustainable moves towards lasting peace through an everlasting peace process on the island of Ireland and its territorial seas within a context without preconditions determined by others including the media who must also remember their own responsibility to report responsibly in the absence of evidence before a trial has produced a verdict that will not succeed in criminalising criminals or demonising demons or alienating aliens because our little green men will take you to their leader who is not a member of Óglaigh Na hÉireann but has spoken directly to that organisation which never lies and hereby denies all connection to biased dismissals of alleged allegations involving involvement in vaults or defaults or of blame in a game where some names are the same as those in Sinn Féin which remains resolute in the face of its other face by demanding the rejection of rejectionist demands to reject its demands and by urging both governments to focus their efforts on their obligations which are not preconditions but which must be delivered before further movement on outstanding matters can be recommended although not required as part of a process of conflict resolution within a framework and a timeframe and a timework and a frameframe that must not be photographed and cannot be seen as humiliation or capitulation or legitimising a less than Celtic nation or any similar situation which works to the agenda of those who oppose human rights and inclusion and equality and justice and whiskers on kittens so of course this community is angry and grumpy and sleepy to learn that Bertie Ahern is questioning our motivations during recent negotiations although it is not irresponsible to speak of that anger again and again while sitting on a huge pile of guns and explosives because republican activists cannot be criminals or spies or smugglers or gangsters or dealers so the reality is that reality is subjective though our objective remains to remove the causes of conflict by conflicting the remaining causes of the movement between building an Ireland of equals and building a Donegal of bungalows in order to drive a process of change from robbing post offices and killing policemen to robbing banks without killing anyone so others must stop undermining the agreement by complaining when we undermine the agreement because this makes them pawns in a securocrat conspiracy to reverse the advances Sinn Féin has made in ecotourism abroad and fly-tipping at home but rest assured we will not be distracted from pursuing our goal of republicanism through tribalism and unity through division and strength through joy as we mark the centenary of the founding of our party and six other parties in a united Ireland that has since been partitioned which is an achievement that will be celebrated by a year of events aimed at boosting recruitment and possibly training with a series of the lectures we will not take from others plus leadership tours to various countries by those who still have their own names on their passports which will assist others including the media to accept our analysis of inevitable victory in the search for compromise on a final settlement or a final solution should that prove to be necessary in the wake of developments following accusations which are clearly intended to discredit our mandate to subvert democracy on behalf of the electorate as the majority party of the minority community in the smaller of Ireland’s illegitimate entities from where we will continue the struggle for justice through freedom from laws and courts and policing and full-price cigarettes and CDs and cocaine by demanding free housing and healthcare and child care and transport and pensions and third-level education and rubbish collection and free rubbish in general so really it’s just as well we’ve come into some money and by the way – did we mention the securocrats?

Note: this statement is believed to be the longest republican sentence since 1998.

First published in the Irish Times, Friday 14th January 2005

  • maca

    Outstanding Newton, as always.

  • Christopher Stalford

    The first genuinely humorous thing he’s produced in yonks! Very good.

  • cg

    I feel dizzy

  • Belfast Gonzo

    That was bloody excellent writing.

  • Jimmy Sands

    Almost Joycean. The boy Emerson done well.

  • Emily

    That’s so close to the truth, it’s beautiful.

  • Davros

    You would think Gerry would avoid that four letter word beginning with K 😉

    “I am saying to republicans: let’s not knee-jerk but reflect on the situation.

  • Emily

    Davros,
    I kid you not, the first time I saw that sentence, I read it as “knee-cap”.

  • Davros

    Straw poll ?
    Me too LOL

  • cg

    Seeing as the conversation has dropped and turned to knees…

    I remember an old boy down the road, who was unfortunately in a wheel chair, telling me one time that the ability to walk is a privilege and not necessarily a right 😉

  • Davros

    Knees must when the devil drives ?

  • Davros

    Whoops : Knees bust when the devil drives ?

  • cg

    Davros

    “Knees bust when the devil drives ?”

    What????

    OK put the poitin down.