Thursday, May 31, 2007
It was lack of southern Protestants ‘wot lost it’...
Tongue firmly in cheek, Newton Emerson reckons that Sinn Fein ‘bombed’ simply because there weren’t enough Protestants in the Republic to wind up their supporters… (subs needed)
Newton’s Optic: Sinn Féin has blamed “a serious shortage of Protestants in the 26 counties” for its poor showing in last week’s election.
“Sinn Féin draws its core support from people who can’t be relied on to vote,” explained Dr Pat Answer, Professor of Advanced Shinnerology at Dublin Sunday Business College.
“They might be too drunk or hung-over on election day, or have a court appearance or a meeting with their parole officer.
“They might have injured themselves by climbing through a kitchen window while carrying a wide-screen television. Or they might simply have lost track of the date because they never go to work.
“Whatever the reason, Sinn Féin voters need to be provoked to the polls and there simply aren’t enough Protestants in the Republic to cause the necessary level of antagonism.”
The situation is very different in Northern Ireland, where the daily sight of Protestants cutting their perfect hedges, driving their sensible cars and going to church in elaborate hats wedged tightly onto their pointy little heads ensures that Sinn Féin voters are always angry enough to cast a ballot.
Attempts to widen the party’s southern appeal beyond its traditional sectarian base may only have made matters worse.
“According to our research, many Sinn Féin voters thought that Mary Lou McDonald was a Protestant,” Dr Answer said. “She certainly has that smug look about her. Or at least she certainly did.”
Dublin Sunday Business College has defended the wider sociological methodology behind its research, which overestimated Sinn Féin’s final tally by a statistically acceptable 300 per cent.
“We were right about the number of people dumb enough to vote for Sinn Féin,” Dr Answer said.
“We just forgot that they were lazy as well.”
For party activists the question now is where they go from here.
“Well, we can’t go back up North,” Sinn Féin community outreach negotiator Anne Phoblacht said. “It’s full of Protestants.”
Developing a separate southern strategy could also prove problematic.
“We warned people on the doorsteps to vote for us or the Protestants would get in,” Ms Phoblacht said. “But everyone just laughed because they thought we meant Trevor Sargent.”
The Irish Times understands that senior party figures have already discussed the possibility of bringing more Protestants into the Republic. Martin Ferris has agreed to charter a boat and Aengus Ó Snodaigh has offered the use of a van.
“We’re mainly interested in people from Nigeria,” Ms Phoblacht said. “You can have any Protestants you like as long as they’re black.”
Experts agree that this is Sinn Féin’s only hope for an electoral breakthrough.
“There’s no point being sectarian when there aren’t any Protestants and no point pretending to be non-sectarian when there aren’t any Protestants,” Dr Answer explained.
“There’s also no point talking about equality when you’ve no Protestants to be equal to and no point talking about rights when you can’t claim that Protestants are infringing your rights.
“So really it’s all the Protestants’ fault. No wonder people hate those hedge-cutting freaks.”
But it’s not all bad news for Sinn Féin. The party polled quite well in Border counties due to Northern Ireland’s provocative proximity.
“If there had still been some Protestant farmers in the area we might even have won a few seats,” Ms Phoblacht said.
“What a pity we killed them.”
Mick Fealty @ 10:55 AM
Many a true word etc.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 12:37 PM“If there had still been some Protestant farmers in the area we might even have won a few seats,” Ms Phoblacht said.
“What a pity we killed them.”
Many a true word said in jest.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 12:41 PMAlmost as funny as the front cover of last week’s An Phoblacht.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 12:47 PMNonsense, Sammy.
The Editorial was much better.
http://www.anphoblacht.com/news/detail/19229
;-)
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 12:54 PMCheers for the links Gav and Sammy. Laugh out loud material! “This week Sinn Féin takes another step in its forward march”...with Mary Lou leading the way.
As for Newt’s piece, the phrases “hedge-cutting freaks” and “Advanced Shinnerology” should enter our daily discourse!
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:08 PM‘Hedge cutting freaks!’ Pradasins? Ah he’s only sleggin.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:12 PMGood one Newt!
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:14 PMParody is alive and well I see. The very sight of Sinn Fein “bombing” makes me chuckle.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:18 PMI don’t find this shit funny at all. The premise is untrue and offensive. Almost as funny as a fart in a space suit, or a burning orphanage…...
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:21 PMDoes this trimming obsession explain Newt’s rather alarming Barnett?
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:23 PMMany a true word spoken in jest. I don’t think it’s the clipped hedges and pointy hats so much though. The Rev Iain and the OO have always been the best recruiters for SF:-
“You people of the Shankill Road, what’s wrong with you? Number 425 Shankill Road - do you know who lives there? Pope’s men, that’s who!... How about 56 Aden Street? For 97 years a Protestant lived in that house and now there’s a Papisher in it!”
1959What have they got to compare with that in Dublin?
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:26 PMPrince E
Comedy, like beauty is all in the eye of the beholder.The fact that you are so annoyed about it probably speaks just as loudly as the article itself.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:26 PMPaddy, Paisley’s nonsense - sometimes dangerous nonsense - has been criticised, condemned, lampooned and mocked for 40 years and, quite rightly, continues to be.
Emerson’s essential subject matter here is barely a week old, so the dressed-up whataboutery is a bit paranoid of you, what?
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:31 PMPrince Eoghan - Man, the strength of your ideological straight-jacket really is frighening.
Paddy - the mutual recruitment strategy of the DUPers AND the Shinners is a well oiled machine.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:34 PMGav/interested,
Can we make an effort to keep the exchanges here civil? I’m aware it is satire and taking it too seriously can make fools of us all, but the last line indicates there is a deadly serious line running through it too.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:36 PMGod forbid a Shinner would find anything ‘offensive’.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:41 PMWhat is it with Prods and hedges? Even Paisley was talking about them after meeting Ahern.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 01:42 PMPaisley’s nonsense - sometimes dangerous nonsense - has been criticised, condemned, lampooned and mocked for 40 years and, quite rightly, continues to be.
Hasn’t stopped him becoming 1st Minister. (Though in his case, the 2nd Minister and his crew obviously helped). But speaking in 1959, he seems to be anterior to all that.
Emerson’s essential subject matter here is barely a week old, so the dressed-up whataboutery is a bit paranoid of you, what?
This wasn’t intended to be whataboutery. It takes two to keep a quarrel going. In 40 years, Paisley has gained himself over a quarter of the electorate and SF almost as much.
4 seats for SF is the result of 40 years of Lynch, Cosgrave, Haughey etc, a much more compromising bunch.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:01 PMI might not agree with Newt but he is a funny bastard.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:03 PM“This wasn’t intended to be whataboutery. It takes two to keep a quarrel going.”
...which is exactly the premise of Emerson’s piece, innit?
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:11 PMSorry chaps.
Dress something offensive up as parody does not lessen the offensiveness. We have seen SF bashing on a monumental scale, fair do’s no tears here! Lies- that bely the facts to suit an agenda though? C’mon enough shite!
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:18 PMNewton’s “A plague on both your houses but especially the fenians’ cos they’re worse”-schtick is as hilarious as ever. Hopefully, my personal favourite, Inspector Billy Shootzpatrick will be in the next one.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:18 PMI always thought Emerson’s schtick was that he was a middle-class Prod, loud and proud.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:32 PMAnother well thought through piece by Newton Emerson, the guy never ceases to amaze with his humour which always sums up what most people think but can’t articulate enough to get the same point across.
In the Irish Times too good going.
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:33 PMTo be honest thats the only thing Newton ever wrote I found funny and im a Sinn Fein supporter. In fairness though it wasnt that bad we could be the PDs
Posted by on May 31, 2007 @ 02:47 PM
