If Northern Ireland was a Hollywood movie…?

20 views

It’s been a pretty depressing couple of weeks all told. Flags, riots, official confirmation of state involvement in the murder of solicitor Pat Finucane. So, let me try and lift the mood, by asking a completely fatuous makey upey question:

  • If Hollywood was to make a Movie about Northern Ireland right now, what would be the plot? And, here’s the controversial bit: who would you cast as the heros and villans?

Only rule, you are not allow to criticise each other’s plots or casting!

  • Nordie Northsider

    A zany ‘Everlasting Piece’ type comedy about a gender-bending Sinn Féin councillor who sets up in business selling tricolours to Loyalist protestors in order to fund his sex change operation. No thoughts on actors, but Art Garfunkle has starred in a few films so that’s Marty sorted out. Mike Nesbitt will want to play himself.

  • http://gravatar.com/joeharron Mister_Joe

    Zombies chasing down themmuns who won’t wear orange (or green) shirts.
    Donald Pleasance as the evil genius behind the creatures and Arnold the Guvernator as the superhero.

  • Mick Fealty

    Nice one… keep them coming… if you are shy you can always try and fit one in a tweet and hashtag it #NIMovies

  • BarneyT

    Carry on Norn arn! Thats the title sorted! I’ll work on a cast

  • between the bridges

    The Usual Suspects…

  • http://www.xan.co.uk Xan Phillips

    There would be a party, a brilliant party full of lively music, wit and conversation, but the two hosts could not agree.

    When one entered in their most colourful outfit, the other would erupt with anger, storm out and return with something more gaudy.

    In turn this would make the other host react in a similar manner and so the argument would continue with both hosts trying to outdo each other, leaving either side unable to see that the guests just wanted to have a good time.

    SPOILER ALERT

    It ends after someone arrives with a new party game involving DNA tests which reveals something outrageous.

  • Mick Fealty

    Not titles boys, just plots, heros and villans.. Simples…

  • David Crookes

    Secretary of State for Northern Ireland: Fay Wray

    Chief Flags Protest Strategist: King Kong

  • between the bridges

    given the census perhaps…Requiem for a Dream…

  • between the bridges

    sorry The Usual Suspects… cast the usual suspects…

  • Mick Fealty

    It’s tougher than it looks at first glance. If we get past five complete ones (ie, with all three essential elements), I’ll do another post featuring the best five…

  • David Crookes

    Double-bill: A Town Named Malice and One Flew Over The City Hall, starring Neighbour Verges, Chumley the Walrus, Beaky Thwaite, Theophilus Goon, and Alain from ‘La Fille mal gardée’.

  • Kevsterino

    Hollywood, hmmm. I’d say the current situation should hit the silver screen as an old fashioned, 1950’s SciFi style flick.

    An evil genius, Dr. McWhatnot (portrayed by Clint Eastwood), has developed a psychotropic gas which, when released, deludes its victims to believe they live in another time. All victims are displaced, but to different eras depending on their DNA. Provos fighting King Billy, Covenant signers fighting Defenders etc.

    Meanwhile, in the bowels of the Black Mountain, lives a small colony who have been spared the effects of the gas by the air filtration system and constant smoking of cannabis, led by their Guru, Dr. Stone ( portrayed by Joe Black).

    They emerge from the depths of the mountain, to find nobody left alive. They bury the dead and resolve to build a future that none of them need to fear.

  • tacapall

    The plot would be the undermining and dismantling the control of a foreign power using the foreign powers laws and their political institutions. The state defending its position reacts by undermining their own laws and bringing the integrity of their own political institutions into disrepute by engaging in practices that bring into question their right to act as moral guardians in a modern world where they have taken life in the pursuit to stop others from engaging in the same practices.

    You could indeed call it the Usual Suspects.

  • tacapall

    By the way Mick no need for me to mention characters names you sort of already know who they are.

  • Alias

    Don’t know about the plot or the cast but the title has got to be a toss up between Planet of the Plonkers and Flag Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

  • Mick Fealty

    There is no fun, or value Tac, if you don’t name names…

    I’m surprised, you don’t normally stand behind the door in that regard when yer dander’s up? ;-)

    Alias enough with titles already!! Plots, villans and heros…

  • galloglaigh

    ‘Pat Finucane: Enemy of the State’

    Plot:

    To murder an innocent man having a meal with his family. The reason given, is that it’s a means to an end.

    The RUC and the British army instruct their employees to murder Pat because he’s good at getting Provos out of trumped up charges. These state employees’ carry-out the murder, and are given safe passage from RUC patrols in the area, and a British army helicopter in the sky. Their actions are covered up by the British government, and a few low-level scumbag terrorists are fingered.

    The End…

    Cast:

    We’ll never know as they remain under the British government’s cloak of impunity!

  • galloglaigh

    And the villans are self evident. A clue is that it’s not the fella who gets murdered.

  • Mick Fealty

    Gallo,

    Hey, how do ever expect to get an audience if we don’t got no actors?

  • Haifish

    Flags Of Our Fathers, still directed by Clint Eastwood, but with Belfast City Hall replacing Mount Suribachi, and the iconic photo at the end of the Flag being hoisted on the peak by a flag party of Peter Robinson,Mike Nesbitt, Billy Hutchinson,Jackie McDonald, Willie Frazer and (were there six?)… over the ruins of a building resembling the Reichstag in ’45.

  • Mick Fealty

    And your stars to play them are…?

  • http://gravatar.com/joeharron Mister_Joe

    Plot – MI5 programs an operative to assassinate Republican leaders. After being programmed he gets a knock on the head and can’t remember his targets and gets Republicans and Loyalists mixed up and starts taking all of them out.
    Killer is played by Matt Damon and the saviour is Michael Caine, a retired MI5 Director brought back to head up a team to stop the killer as the whole place is falling to bits with gangs thinking it is themmums killing ussuns and the body count is growing.

  • galloglaigh

    Mick

    There’s no amount of actors. The only problem is, that their faces have been hidden to protect their identities.

    Some identities are known though:

    Thatcher is played by Judi Dench, as only she has a face as worthy as Thatcher’s of a slap.

    Douglas Hurd is played by Beaker the Muppet.

    Tom King and Peter Brooke and played by Beavis and Butthead.

    You get the general picture…

  • http://fitzjameshorselooksattheworld.wordpress.com/ fitzjameshorse1745

    starring.
    Peter Robinson….Daniel Radcliffe
    Martin McGuinness…Art Garfunkel
    Theresa Villiers…Miranda Hart (sadly its a part made for Joyce Grenfell)
    with
    David Ford….Patrick Stewart
    Naomi Long…Jennifer Saunders
    Dawn Purvis…Dawn French
    Jim “I Dont Believe It” Allister….Richard”I Dont Believe It” Wilson
    Orangeman….Dale Winton

    co starring
    John O’Dowd…Liam Neeson
    Carál Ni Chuilín…Nuala McKeever
    Caitriona Ruane (posh)….Joanna Lumley (posh)
    Arlene Foster….Helen Mirren
    Nigel Dodds….Ricky Gervais
    Nelson McCausland…Sir Ian McKellen
    Mike Nesbitt….James Nesbitt
    James Nesbitt….Mike Nesbitt
    Basil McCrea….Matt Lucas

    and as I am neutral where SDLP is concerned
    Alasdair McDonnell…Brad Pitt
    Dolores Kelly….Cameron Diaz
    Conall McDevitt….Johnny Depp

  • Mick Fealty

    Nice start FJH… just need a pick a genre: adventure, mystery, romance (could get sticky with that cast); documentary; musical? And then move on top plot?

  • BarneyT

    Being 2012….I see a disaster theme.

    As a result of escalating flag issue, the Belfast City protests have escalated and July 12th marching season has been brought forward to celebrate the pagan festival of the Winter Equinox. Still unable to reverse the city hall decision, they march and march and march…they beat their drums until the reverberations can be felt from south Derry to North Armagh. Lough Neigh starts to destablise. A fault has just appeared in the Albert basin and follows the Canal northwards through Portadown, tearing Amargh apart. More plate shifting occurs and the irish sea rushes in to meet Lough Neagh, creating the new coastal towns of Tandragee and to the east Gosford upon Sea.

    Further fracturing occurs triggered by extensive plate shifting causing a tear from Lough foyle through Derry, and omagh. A third fracture from Coleraine to Toome bridge separates Antrim and Down and north east armagh entirely from the new mainland which moves off to the north east towards scotland. Fermanagh\south tyrone head westwards with the rest of the Ireland landmass creating Derry\North tyrone Island.

    Huge civil issue particularly on Derry\North Tyrone island….due to naming disputes.
    Poots and Donaldson, who have been secretly building and arc on lough Neagh , as instructed by God, see these events as a sign…and how else could they explain their 300 foot ship on a landlocked body of water. It was meant to be. The set off on a rescue mission to stroke island, to repatriate the bretheren from Dungannon and Cookstown. …..to be continued

  • http://gravatar.com/joeharron Mister_Joe

    Second thought – Liam Neeson as the killer for local accent and flavour.

  • Mick Fealty

    Slight problem Fitzy… Basil McCrea’s just flagged your post as ‘offensive’…

    Don’t worry, I’m standing my ground for freedom of speech!!

  • RegisterForThisSite

    Well Hollywood is fairly shallow so it would be a distracting human interest movie. How about

    A nasty and evil SF Minister (Alan Rickman) decides to deprive a small island community of their only link to the mainland (no not that mainland, the NI mainland) by privatising their ferry.

    Only one man (and Blogger) is prepared to risk his life by confronting the ParaPolitican and his ParaParty and try to save the island community from destruction.

    Brad Pitt plays the local hero and blogger

  • BarneyT

    I have Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery as Poots and Donaldson….

  • RegisterForThisSite

    Brad Pitt is moving to Antrim for a year to learn the accent

  • Mick Fealty

    He’s going to need longer than that!!

  • tacapall

    Nice one Mick but my danders not up, you sort of get thick skinned at what comes out in the dirty washing in this part of the world.

    As for names of the main characters maybe Alan Rickman could be Gerry Adams he always seems to be the villain and he has acted Michael Collins maybe Brendan Gleeson being McGuiness his mannerisms suit that role and Gerry Kelly well that would have to be Bruce Willis always in the action and always comes out injured but unbeaten, of course Pat Sheehan would have to be played by Brad Pitt he’s as confident as his looks and women love them. The Unionist side would be oh Laim Neeson as Peter Robinson he has that ends justify the means type character about him and with Nicolas Cage being deputy dodds his role in face off is perfectly suited to Dodds character maybe Clint Eastwood as the British Prime Minister his character in Dirty Harry suits that position and Matt Baggott being represented by Tom Hanks his experience doing Forrest Gump would give him the edge. Theres just too many to fill roles for and so many that could portray them that I would be here until tomorrow if I attempted to.

  • JimboJones

    Jim Allister’s “A Christmas Carrot”

    Plot : Jim Allister is a man for whom everything is a cause of grievous anger and indignation – too much milk in his brew, Frank Mitchell getting a weather prediction wrong, Natasha Sayee scoffing the last caramel square in the Stormont cafeteria. These are just some of the incidents we observe in the opening sequences of the film that are capable of sending Mr Allister into a flying rage.

    His poor helper Sammy Crotchetson is the unfortunate recipient of this daily outpouring of bile, shouldering the opprobrium with an heroic sense of service to his master.

    Then one Christmas Eve, little Sammy Crotchetson summons the courage to ask for a small christmas bonus in order that he can go to Nutts Corner and buy more flags for the annual Christmas protest in Cullybackey.

    Outraged at the impertinence of the request, Allister throws a carrot at Crotchetson’s forehead, from a sack of the root vegetable that he keeps by his desk for mid-afternoon nourishment.

    “Be gone from my sight Sammy Crotchetson – let that carrot be your bonus, Har Har Har!”

    Crotchetson departs with carrot.

    Jim Allister stays in the office late to work on his latest speech to a party dinner to be held in the Canal Court Newry. He expresses the hope out loud that the event does not sell more places than the venue’s capacity – he hates a sell out.

    When all of a sudden he is visited by the ghost of Ian Paisley: “You sell out Allister!”

    “No YOU sell out Paisley”….”No YOU sell out Allister” (this continues for some time)

    Finally the ghost explains himself: “You have sold out on the joyful spirit of Christmas Jim Allister, and three of my spirits will show you how…”

    The first ghost to visit, the ghost of Christmas past, is Peter Robinson. They travel back in time to Christmas 1982. Jim Allister, newly appointed DUP Assembly Chief Whip, has a full set of hair flowing neatly over his earholes, and is dancing vigourously to Captain Sensible’s Happy Talk at the DUP Christmas Party at Ballynafeigh Orange Hall. When all of a sudden he dances a little too vigorously, causing an involuntary tear in the seat of his Ulster tartan pantalons, bought especially for the occasion.

    Peter Robinson from the past, dressed in a Captain Sensible beret and glasses, peels with laughter and points the incident out to Ian Paisley and Nigel Dodds who join in the ribbing. Soon everyone is laughing. Even Nelson McCausland, who calls him a “wee dafty” .

    Jim then remembers why he hates Christmas and Peter Robinson.

    The next ghost to visit is the ghost of Christmas present, David Vance. He takes Jim to Nutts Corner market, where poor Sammy Crotchetson is trying to sell bits of the carrot Jim had given him earlier in order that he can raise enough money to purchase some flags and attend the Gala Cullybackey Christmas flag protest. Noone wants a bit of Sammy’s carrot however. Jim is filled with remorse.

    The third ghost, is the ghost of Christmas yet to come, Christopher Stalledfirsttime. Here they fly over a burning dystopian Belfast 2050. Alien Monkeys and Gorrillas from Titan Moon have taken over the city, exploiting the divisions caused by the natives’ constant quarrelling over flags. Here Jim learns that the Alien invaders have installed the Alliance Party as their puppet governors in the Assembly, who have now abolished ALL flag flying, parading, and wall murals. The city is ablaze from East to West.

    This is the breaking point for Jim: “NOOOO! I repent! I repent! What must I do to change this future?”

    To which Jim awakes from his nightmare a changed man.
    He immediately runs down the Newtownards Road giving all he meets carrots and exclaiming “Take this carrot, and may peace be with you” .

    He gives the East Belfast UVF carrots, asking that peace be with them.

    He gives the Republican Unity Network carrots, asking that peace be with them.

    He meets Willie Frazer at a flag protest by the Albert Bridge and gives him two handfuls of carrots, funds his victims organisation from his own pocket and says “NOW will ye shut yer cakehole and give us ALL a bit of peace?”

    Finally he visits the home of Sammy Crotchetson (who lives in shoe) and gives him two whole sacks of carrots, which Sammy promptly sells to buy flags. Now he can attend the Annual Cullybackey flag protest like he’d always dreamed of.

    In the end scene Jim and Sammy burn a tricolour together in front of Christmas tree whilst holding hands.

    Van Morrison’s Days Like These plays out the credits.

    Jim Allister played by Anthony Hopkins (hero/villain)

    Sammy Crotchetson : Martin Freeman (hero)

    Ian Paisley : Timothy Spall (hero/villain)

    Peter Robinson : Christopher Walken (hero/villain)

    Nelson McCausland : Richard Dreyfus (villain)

    David Vance : Guy Pearce (hero/villain)

    Christopher Stalledfirsttime : Justin Bieber (hero/villain)

    Willie Frazer : Brendan Frazer (villain)

  • RegisterForThisSite

    A young journalist dreams of uniting both communities in Northern Ireland using the internet and the power of blogging.

    Brad Pitt* plays the young journalist

    *Brad Pitt will be moving to Holywood for a year to learn the accent

  • David Crookes

    Observe The Sons of Ulster Marching Towards The Liffey

    Since November 1985 the diabolically clever reptilians of the Secret British Government, led by the Maggon (Kirsten Flagstad) have been at work to end the union between Great Britain and Northern Ireland. They persuade a number of passionate patriots to disrupt the lives of thousands of working people who are selfishly trying to drive home once their work is done. No one is surprised when deputy mayor Barbarosa (Jane Fonda) says something really stupid, or when Ma Kwei (Basil Brush) is kicked out of the Gang of Four for washing himself. Order is miraculously restored when the original green-robed Santa Claus (Enda Kenny) announces that no one in the Republic of Ireland wants to be united with Northern Ireland, ever. ‘It worked,’ say certain highly placed locals. ‘How clever we were.’

  • http://fitzjameshorselooksattheworld.wordpress.com/ fitzjameshorse1745

    Then please delete it.
    The golden rule has to be that if someone takes offence then it IS offensive…regardless of the intent.

  • BarneyT

    keep writing JimboJones :-)

  • Mick Fealty

    Just joking! Great piece of work John!!

  • http://fitzjameshorselooksattheworld.wordpress.com/ fitzjameshorse1745

    Ok….ya got me. :)

  • SK

    24- the movie.

    It’s December 31st, 2015, and Gerry Adams has 24 hours left to secure a united Ireland.

    Jim Carey as Gerry Adams.

    In a supporting role, that miserable looking actor who played Victor Meldrew can star as every unionist ever.

  • Kevsterino

    That was a great laugh, Jimbo. Can’t wait for the sequel.

  • Mick Fealty

    Richard Wilson that would be. By what device are you going manage that SK?

  • David Crookes

    The Burn Supremacy

    A passionate patriot (played by Ernst Roehm) shows how much he loves his country by trying to burn a policewoman alive. Although his attempt fails, he becomes a hero in his own community.

  • SK

    Remember Eddie Murphy in the nutty professor, Mick? Something like that.

    Sure all he’d need is a different colour rosette when playing each one, as they’re all essentially the same character.

  • John Ó Néill

    How about an arthouse movie?

    Camera set up on top of Cavehill looking down over Belfast (with North Belfast front and centre). Nothing happens. Ever. Then at the end two hoods (one Catholic, one Protestant, of course) steal the camera and burn it. Stewart Parker would be proud.

  • Mick Fealty

    I was thinking something else, but Im not going to say… :-) why not work up the plot a bit to make fit?

  • boondock

    For Fracks sake.

    Plot
    For years fracking has been carried out by an evil multinational corporation in deepest darkest Fermanagh. Nobody knew about it. The fracking resulted in the release of a microbe that for millennia had remained concealed in the base rock. This pre-historic microbe spread quickly throughout the pravance. The microbe when inhaled affected a specific gene located on the loyalist chromosome resulting in the affected to be enraged at the sight of a union flag being lowered. The pravance was on the verge of an apocalypse but thankfullly a briliant scientist realised that Basil McCrea seemed to be immune to the infection and developed a vaccine that cured everybody and restored law and order.

    The sequel involves Gerry and Martin trying to genetically engineer a new virus to convert loyalism to Republicanism but it goes horribly wrong resulting in half the catholic population claiming to be Northern Irish

    Cast

    Scientist – Tom Cruise
    Jeffrey Donaldson – Daniel O’Donnel
    Reg Empey – Montgomery Burns
    Peter Robinson – A Dalek
    Nelson McCausland – Gerry Adams
    Gerry Adams – Nelson McCausland
    Michael McGimpsy – Christopher Lee with Dracula make-up
    Sammy Wilson – A brick
    Basil McCrea – Fozzie bear
    Martin McGuinness – Art Garfunkel
    Pat Doherty – The invisible man

  • wild turkey

    McCrea and Mrs Patterson

    In the turn of the century town of Presbyterian Church, a mysterious outsider, Pudgy McCrea, rides into town. He aims to change the way things are done. The natives initially take notice. But the powers to be harass, discipline, and ultimately, banish him to the wilderness.

    Constance Patterson, the towns premier madame, is initially enticed into being Pudgy’s business partner. But the Alliance falls apart. At night, she visits an orange den, and ritually, gracefully, lights up a tricolour and drifts off into her reveries.

    soundtrack: George Jones
    special effects: Lower Newtownards Rd Maxol Station
    directed by: ??????????

  • TwilightoftheProds

    CARRY ON FOREVER!

    The inhabitants of a small backwater dream up a scheme to attract international attention and money by staging an intractable ethnic conflict.

    Peter Robinson-Jim Dale

    Ian Paisley- Frankie Howerd

    Iris Robinson-Barbara Windsor

    Gerry Adams – Bernard Cribbins

    Martin McGuiness- Charlie Drake

    Ruari O Braidaigh –Bernard Bresslaw

    All NI secretaries of State- Leslie Philips

    Edwin Poots-Jack Douglas

    Sir Frank Kitson-Kenneth Williams

    FRU Colour Sergeant-Windsor Davies

    Charles Haughey-Sid James

    Jim Molyneaux-wee Jackie Wright

    John Hume-Peter Butterworth

    President Eamon de Valera-Charles Hawtrey

    Margaret Thatcher-Sylvia Sim

    RUC Chief Constable Ripper- Harry H Corbett

    Bernadette Devlin-Patsy Rowlands

    President Clinton-Phil Silvers (in a wig)

    Robert Fisk-Terry Scott

    David Trimble-Kenneth Connor

  • wild turkey

    oops

    casting for MrCrea and Mrs Patterson

    Pudgy McCrea: Matt Lucas
    Constance Patterson: Margaret Dumont

  • SK

    Planet of the Papes.

    Nigel Dodds, Ulster’s first Astronaut, wakes up after crashlanding on a strange planet. Although the planet appears desolate at first, Dodds stumbles upon a society in which fenians have evolved into creatures with human-like intelligence and speech. These fenians have assumed the role of the dominant species and Protestants are mute creatures wearing animal skins.

    Culminates with Dodds screaming on a beach, with half of the Harland and Wolff tower sticking up out of the sand.

  • Mick Fealty

    We’re missing heroes and villains! Remember, this is a once only opportunity to let rip with the old moral attribution, coz it’s only fictional!

  • tacapall

    “this is a once only opportunity to let rip with the old moral attribution, coz it’s only fictional”

    Speak for yourself Mick, mines is a true story.

  • galloglaigh

    Three anthropomorphic bears, Wee Bear, Middle-sized Bear, and Huge Bear, live together in a house in the woods. They are very good-natured, trusting, harmless, tidy, and hospitable. Each bear has his own porridge bowl, chair, and bed. One day they take a walk in the woods while their porridge cools. An old woman (who is described at various points in the story as impudent, bad, foul-mouthed, ugly, dirty and a vagrant deserving of a stint in the House of Correction) discovers the bears’ dwelling. To cut to the meat and bones of the story, she looks through a window, peeps through the keyhole, and lifts the latch. Assured that no one is home, she walks in. The old woman eats the Wee Bear’s porridge, then settles into his chair and breaks it. Prowling about, she finds the bears’ beds and falls asleep in Wee Bear’s bed. The climax of the tale is reached when the bears return. Wee Bear finds the old woman in his bed and cries, “Somebody has been lying in my bed, – and here she is!” The old woman starts up, jumps from the window, and runs away never to be seen again.

    Cast:

    Wee Bear is played by Ulster

    Middle-sized Bear is played by Leinster

    Huge Bear is played by Munster and Connaught

    And the impudent, foul-mouthed, ugly, and dirty vagrant is played by the English monarch and his entourage.

    The villan again isn’t hard to find :)

  • between the bridges

    Ulster Farm…fictional farm where two pigs grow up, after crawling out of the sh it and taking power one pig chases the other away to Mexico…
    starring Marty Napoleon and Jarry Snowball as the hero’s and Freddy Squealer as the villain, and Danny Minimus as the poet pig.

  • Republic of Connaught

    The Ulster Exorcist

    Plot:

    A deformed creature, once human, lies strapped to a bed experiencing bouts of demonic possession. One moment the creature roars, “NO SURRENDER! ULSTER IS BRITISH! CROPPY LIE DOWN!” and the next moment the creature’s face completely distorts into a new, bearded image shouting, “BRITS OUT! CHUCKY AR LA!”

    The creature continues to rip at its own face cursing horrid expletives about Taigs and Huns when it is suddenly stunned into silence as the bedroom door opens and a Priest emerges into the light, holding a giant six foot blow up cross.

    The name is Crilly, says the Priest loudly. Fr Ted Crilly.

    The demon recoils in fear. “No, no, no; I was never in the ‘Ra, Fadda,” squealed the bearded demon terrified. Then the face changed back to its Orange hue and roared “Fuck the Pope!”

    Fr Ted smiles and says: ‘Now that would be an ecumenical matter.’

    FADE TO BLACK:

    THE END

    CHARACTERS:

    The Ulster demon: Daniel Day Lewis & a bearded Daniel Day Lewis

    Fr Ted Crilly: Sammy Wilson

  • sonofstrongbow

    ‘Lord of the Spins’, or a ‘Long Pointless Journey’.

    Genre: fantasy/action/black comedy

    A green leprechaun with hairy feet living in a hole in the idyll of Western Belfast is asked by a bearded wizard in a tall Armani hat to go to the Black Mountain to fight the Orange Dragon for the One Emerald.

    The leprechaun is accompanied by seven Tiny Minds all dressed in black berets.

    When the party reaches the mountain the entrance to the dragon’s lair is too high to climb into. The Tiny Minds begin killing everything they see to form a ladder of corpses. When they finally get in the dragon is discovered to have long passed away and the One Emerald is a piece of sh*t covered with green mould.

    The Tiny Minds fall into a fitful slumber and have to be carried back to Western Belfast.

    On his return the leprechaun finds his hole is now a Wizard Enterprises Discount Store. There is a note on the door: ‘Leprechaun’s wanted for important quest. Apply Box 1916.’

    The film closes with the leprechaun filling out an application.

    Scripted by some Irish Misery Lit author: Frank McCourt/Tim Pat Coogan

    Cast:

    The Leprechaun – Ardal O’Hanlon
    The Wizard – Stephen Rea
    The Tiny Minds – a selection of those bit-part actors you’ve seen somewhere, maybe a butter ad or something?

  • Red Lion

    Quadrophenia,
    The Rockers are the Northern Ireland union people, the Mods are Irish nationalist(even though they are bedecked in Red White and Blue cos they are really West Brits – u know it guys and gals!).
    The Rockers are a bit thick, they like a bit of a punch-up,they are good at engineering and fixing their bikes, but are outnumbered in a coastal location, get kicked to shit by the more extreme elements of the mods, and their worst fears come true, they are chased in to the sea. The rockers have plenty of ordinary blokes in their ranks eg Ray Winstone following in the great NI traditions, likes his bikes and that, used to be in the army but also has a few mod mates. There’s a bit of the Trimble about Winstone(they look alike for a start) for after hanging out with the mods for a while, he also gets kicked to shit (albeit not by his own side)
    The extreme mods present a good image, but are sinister bunch of blood thirsty bastards, who although they look good, are also a bit thick.
    The police are the , er, police, trying to keep everyone apart and keep the peace but are handy at scooping people on the spot.
    However, the ‘aceface’ mod who the mods looks up to sells out pretty quickly at the offer of a safe job in a grand looking building (no brighton bomb gaffes please).
    Disillusioned, Jimmy mod sends his irish nationalist paraphernalia over the cliff, decides to live and let live and ‘walks away a happy man’ – whatever happens happens and the futulity of extremism and violence is a weight lifted from him.He turns into a unicorn and flies off on a delorean back to 1969 to put laughing gas in Dr Paisley’s cuppa.

    When the violence ends, they all grow up, chill out, move onto other things, want better lives for their kids (acid house), like a bit of nostalgia now and then, but Brighton still goes on, a changing Brighton, a diverse Brighton, a very liberal Brighton, its border with with Hampshire is still there, but no one worries about it as much, Brighton still goes on…

    The Union Jack flies proudly off Brighton pier – 2 of them in fact, one for the NI union people, and the other for the NI unicorn people…Brighton still goes on…

    Oh and when it’s really all finished, everybody from both sides starts looking for a steady career and goes off and join the Bill.

    OK I’ll stop now

    Happy Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • latcheeco

    Stormont on the River Kwai
    The good guys are taken prisoner in a camp by fascist thugs with a superiority complex who behave like- well fascist thugs with the usual superiority complex . Nevertheless the good guys aren’t to be broken and their defiant leader comes in for all manner of special treatment to try and break him and get the prisoners under his command to cooperate in the camp. After a protracted struggle and finally realizing that the good guys can’t be broken said fascists are forced to do a deal and prisoners play ball and in return for improving their conditions and being recognized in the manner they see fit they give their all to build a bridge needed for the camp to survive. However said prisoners’ former comrades on the outside are none to happy and work to sabotage bridge before its completion. In final scene bridge goes up in smoke as defiant leader finally realizes wtf he did

  • Mick Fealty

    Come on Latch/RL, who are you going to hire? Characters? Villains? Heros?

  • Alias

    This is a remake of a Disney classic.

    The plot: an innocent fawn with a beatiful sophran voice is unfairly accused of all manner of skulldugery by evil securo-bears who hate his ability to bring joy and happiness to all the little bunny rabbits in the forest with his fine singing voice as he leaps from log to log singing singing popular songs two years before they are even released. The evil securo-bears hatch a suitably wicked plot to ignore all the songs recorded by their agent snakes appointed, err, befriended by the innocent fawn and try to undo the lovely fawn with a recording sung by an old drunked hen in Boston, err, Dublin instead. Alas, the wicked plot is undone when all the little sheep, err, bunny rabbits demand proof that the wee mute fawn ever uttered a note in its life.

    Cast:
    Bambi – played by Gerry Adams
    Old drunken hen – played by Stephen Rea in a Shirley Temple wig
    Evil securo-bears – played Figments of the Sheep’s Imagination

  • Wabbits

    THE BLUES BROTHERS
    A once great football club from a downtrodden and much maligned neighbourhood in Belfast are languishing mid-table in a ramshackle stadium which is urgently in need of a major refurb.

    The stadium isn’t what it used to be and has fallen into a terrible state of disrepair. Fans can only gather in a few seats behind one goal. The rival Cliftonville supporters, from the other side of the tracks, have even had the audacity to rename the old National Stadium, Squalidtude. The glory days are long gone and the team are a shadow of their former selves. The Manager Davey Jeff (Buster Bloodvessel) only ever thinks about how clever he will sound when he speakes to the media after games. He never speaks to the players as it has slowly dawned on him that many of them aren’t from the same hood as him and don’t even attend the same church.

    Only two men can save the day “Joilet” Pete (SteveMartin) and his brother Edwin “Poots” Blues (Beaker from the Muppets). After Edwin’s release from the State Pen turned Lunatic Asylum, “Happy Dale”, they set off to march through their old stomping ground where they know all their old mates, fellow football lovers and musicians still hang out.

    They happen upon an old hag, Caral “The Nun” Ni Chuilín (May McFetridge) who tells them of the plight of the club since they have been away and that she has no money to fix the place up. She explains that they, The Blues Brothers, are the only hope for a bright brand new orange future where the Union Jack fleg shall fly without interruption eight days a week for 365 days of the Orange calendar year.

    The Blues Brothers begin to see the light and realise that they are on a “mission from God” to save the once glorious club from oblivion. After a short visit to the Free Presbyterian Hall and an all singing all dancing performance from The Reverend IRK James Brown (Ian Paisley) they realise that they have only one choice. They must “put the flute band back together”.

    They set off at breakneck speed up Tates Avenue and Edwin runs a red light at the junction of with Lisburn Road and is pulled over by the local PSNI state troopers. When they attempt to arrest him, he speeds off, escaping through Shaftsbury Square. They finally get to their safe house after a high speed chase down Donegal Road and through the mean streets of West Belfast. But they aren’t safe, a crazed raven haired woman (Carrie Fisher) steps out from the shadows and lets rip with an RPG. They remain miraculously unharmed as they are on “a mission from God”. The next morning, she detonates a bomb containing a ton of fertiliser that demolishes the building, but still fails to inflict injury on the brothers. They are on “a mission from God”, remember.

    Undeterred Pete and Edwin set about their task of “putting the flute band back together”. They march around in circles outside a Roman Catholic Church until they see their former chief flautist Jittery Donald (Daniel O’Donnell) and his son. The two join the band, The Brothers then set about tracking down the old rhythm and percussion sections. They mosey into a downtown bar and chance upon Nelson Girdwood (Chuck Norris) on the Lambeg Drum and snare drummers Peter Weird (Billy Bob Thornton) and Wee Sammy Bucknaked (Rick Moranis). They have been down on their luck too and need the work. So they are all for reunification of the flute band. After all, it’s “a mission from God”.

    En route to meet former band leader Willie Haze (Danny Di Vitto) the brothers’ drive through a rally of bomber jacketed Provos who are innocently gathered outside the Church of Ireland on Dungiven Main Street, adding another enemy to their growing list.

    Band Leader Haze lives in a hick town west of the Bann and they make camp for the night under Burntollet Bridge and wait for first light. The next morning they go for an Ulster Fry in a greasy spoon on Spencer Road in a one horse town called Londonderry. By pure chance they come across their old friend and comrade Gregory “Sugar Lips” Campbell (Elmer Fudd) and Jim Welloiled (Gene Wilder) who has taken to the bottle and is one step closer to the gutter than he was the last time they saw him. Greg and Jim agree to join the merry flute band on this “mission from God”. However before they can go Gregorys wife (Aretha Franklin) dances out from behind the deli counter and tells him that he “better think, think, think about what he’s tryin to do to her before he walks out the door”. Giving no thought to consequences, he leaves anyway.

    Reunited, they make their way to Blind Trevors Music Exchange to get some more fifes, bagpipes and drums. Trevor (Jamie Foxx) has little faith in the boys and their “mission from God” but when Pete and Edwin explain to him that Caral “The Nun” will “pay for it all in the end up” he too joins the band.

    Pete is unable to book a gig in advance, but as luck would have it they stumble into a gig at Bob’s Bogside Bunker. After a rocky start, when they started to play their old back catalogue, which included The Sash and Old Derrys Walls, the band wins over the bottle-tossing crowd with a rendition of A Nation Once Again. At the end of the evening, however, not only is their bar tab greater than the pay for the gig, but the brothers infuriate the band that was actually meant to play, the Bogside Balladeers. They make their excuses and leave.
    With no apparent way of getting a good paying gig the Brothers blackmail their old booking agent Marty McGuinness (Art Garfunkel) into securing a gig for them. As luck would have it the local football club are on the up and are playing an away match in the quarter finals of the Champions League at the Camp Nu. Marty manages to line up an open air performance at the nearby Brandywell Stadium.

    After being driven all over Creggan and Rosemount promoting the concert, the Bluesmobile runs out of gas, making Pete and Edwin late for the concert. The Brandywell is packed, and the concert-goers are joined by the Bogside Balladeers and scores of PSNI officers. Pete and Edwin sneak into the venue via the gate on the Foyle Road where visiting Linfield fans normally run the gauntlet and successfully perform two songs. Willie McCrea (Tom Cruise) a record company executive offers them a cash advance on a recording contract, more than enough to pay off Linfields tax bill and build a brand spanking new stadium. The Brothers escape using a helicopter which their old friend Marty has blackmailed the Security Minister Gerry Kelly (George Clooney) into laying on standby in the nearby Celtic Park GAA Ground.
    As the Brothers escape via a service tunnel, they are confronted by the mystery raven haired woman with the RPG, whereupon it is revealed she is Petes ex-wife, Orange Iris (Helen Mirren in a wig). She fires another RPG at them, but Pete manages to charm her, allowing the two brothers to escape to the Bluesmobile. They head back to Belfast over the Glenshane Pass with dozens of armour clad state police jeeps, the Bogside Balladeers and the Dungiven Provos in pursuit. Pete and Edwin eventually elude them all, leaving piled-up police jeeps and pissed off Provos and the wandering Bogside troubadours in their wake.

    When they get to Chichester Street the Bluesmobile literally falls to pieces. Pete and Edwin break down the back doors of City Hall, clutching a Union Jack “fleg” shouting NO SURRENDARRR. They rush up the ornate staircase in an effort to hand in the proceeds from the successful Brandywell gig. But before they can see the city treasurer the Sinn Fein Lord Mayor of Belfast steps away from conducting an interview with Martina Purdies (Johanna Lumley) from the BBC to tell the Brothers that all their efforts were in vain because some old hag called Caral “The Nun” Ni Chuilín (May McFetridge) had called earlier to say that there was lots of money available after all and that she was confident that not only would the old National Stadium be getting an overhaul but that the rugby fraternity and their GAA cousins would be kept sweet too.

    THE END

  • David Crookes

    Where Chickens Dare

    Gavril Princip (Anthony Gabriel) and his daughter La Pasionaria (Victoria Principal) have been commanded by Fu Manchu (Peter O’Toole) to wreck the economy of Northern Ireland, but they want to spend Christmas together in Lhasa making prayer-flags, so they induce a number of brainwashed natives (unnamed extras from a 1940s ‘Jungle Queen’) to do their work for them.

  • galloglaigh

    You have to be from Derry with a name like Wabbits?

  • Mick Fealty

    I love this…

    “After a rocky start, when they started to play their old back catalogue, which included The Sash and Old Derrys Walls, the band wins over the bottle-tossing crowd with a rendition of A Nation Once Again. At the end of the evening, however, not only is their bar tab greater than the pay for the gig, but the brothers infuriate the band that was actually meant to play, the Bogside Balladeers. They make their excuses and leave.”

    You need a publisher Wabbits…

  • carl marks

    THE EXPENABLES

    The story is narrated by the wise Carl Marks (played by Sean Connery)

    Our Hero, Red hand Luke ( sly Stallone) has had his identity stolen by a international cartel of villains consisting of the Irish/British governments ,American politicians, international terrorists, communists and fenians all run by a mysterious and evil group known as the Jesuits, it is known as themmuns.

    One afternoon as Luke resting after a hard day in the club a leaflet drops through his letterbox, It Is from the Lonely ones on the hill (sometimes this lofty group contact Luke when they need his special skill set) but something is badly wrong this is different from other messages from the lonely ones there is no red white and blue banners no union flags instead it is the yellow of the turncoats Luke start to read it and a dread fills him, Someone is going to steal his indentify! time for action.

    Themmuns have got someone called Long (played by thon doll in 101 Dalmatians that wore all the fur) to organise it, they are going to use that old democracy trick and red is having any of that crap.

    Gathering together a select team of protesters they approach the enemies stronghold to demand that their flag is shown the respect it deserves, being traditional types they don’t forget those old traditions of protest that have served them well over the years, bolt cutters things to throw and of course a couple of the other side’s flags to burn.

    Shocked when the evil ones at BCC ignore them and go ahead and vote they make war on the tools of themmuns the police not caring about shoppers, traders or anyone else for that matter.

    Then even the lonely ones desert them, saying we will return in voting time when we need you again.

    Just a draft and still waiting to see how it ends but what do you think will Sean and Sly will go for it

  • carl marks

    OF course the title should be

    THE EXPENDABLES

  • David Crookes

    The Pied Piper and the Pod People

    Plot: lost.

  • http://www.openunionism.com oneill

    David Lynch’s Lawnmower.

    The Union is the main actor and it ain’t shown up to his regular bar meeting with his friends, those friends wearing the Sash and Rangers scarves
    The Union insists that he “just needs a bit of help getting up”.
    The Doctor disagrees.
    The Doctor, admonishes the Union and tells him if he wants to live forevermore to give up those things it loves the best.

    The Union in Ulster halts.
    Lynch considers.
    It’s confusing.
    The Union reverses.
    And look.
    It keeps moving backwards…
    Until it realises…

    The Sash and Rangers scarves are not really that important.

  • Blue Hammer

    At the beginning of the story, Orangeland is introduced by a narrator as a cheerful music-loving paradise in the north east of Oireland, protected by Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Flute Band. A yellow submarine rests on top of a somewhat preposterous Mansion on a hill. At the edge of the land is a range of high blue mountains, where Orangeland’s blue skies are replaced by the grey skies of the Green Republic.
    Orangeland falls under a surprise attack by the music-hating Blue Fenians (who live in or beyond the blue mountains, with a few small Fenian ghettoes sprinkled throughout OrangeLand), who seal the Orange bands inside a series of music-proof bubbles, make the Orangelanders immobile as statues by chucking loads of big green apples upon them as they try to march, and generally try to drain the countryside of the colour orange and the Union Flag. The attack starts with magical projectiles fired from big artillery stationed in the blue mountains.
    In the last minute before his own capture, Orangeland’s elderly Lord Mayor (Dr Paisley) sends Jeffrey (Donaldson), a sailor (whom the mayor calls “Young Jeff”), to get help; he runs to the Yellow Submarine and takes off in it. Jeffrey travels to Liverpool where he follows the depressed and aimless Ringo and persuades him to return to Orangeland with him. Ringo collects his “mates” John, George, and finally Paul. The five journey back to Orangeland in the yellow submarine. As they start learning to operate the submarine, they sing “The Famine Song”, after which they pass through several regions on their way to Orangeland:
    • Sea of Time – where time flows both forwards and backwards to the tune of “The Sash My Father Wore
    • Sea of Science – where they sing “Only a Northern Prod”,
    • Sea of Monsters – where a monstrous “vacuum cleaner beast” sucks up all available government resources and finally itself.
    • Sea of Nothing – where they meet a rather helpful “nowhere man” named Gerry Adams TD, and sing the song “Nowhere Man” in reference to his habit of never being in anything, anywhere ever. As they leave, however, Gerry starts crying and Ringo takes pity on him letting him join them aboard the submarine.
    • Foothills of the Headlands (or Sea of Heads) – where they are separated from the submarine and John sings “Marty on the Walls with Thompsons”.
    • Finally, the Sea of Holes – where Gerry is kidnapped by one of the Blue Fenians patrolling the outskirts of Orangeland. Here Ringo thoroughly investigates a hole and puts it into his pocket, a move that will be significant in the final stage of the story. When Ringo jumps on to a green hole (Jonesborough), it turns into the Sea of Green and they arrive back in Orangeland.
    Reunited with Jeffrey and the submarine, they look upon the landscape: a sorry sight. The beautiful flowers have become thorns, the once happy landscape now a barren wasteland. No Union Flags fly anywhere (except on 17 designated days a year, for now). Everyone is immobilised and made miserable by the evil Blue Fenians, only able to move when permitted (such as when the Fenians feel like bullying them). The Beatles, after defeating some “Nutting Squad” Fenians, dress as Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Flute Band and steal some instruments (their own instruments were lost in the Sea of Monsters) from the underground storage/diesel processing facility where the Fenians impounded them. The four are discovered at the last second (Ringo accidentally steps on a bagpipe) and a clown Fenian (Daithi McKay) sounds the alarm, causing the Beatles to flee hastily from the Fenians’ vicious multi-headed (and multi-bodied) dog. Once in the clear, the four “rally the land to rebellion”, singing “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Flute Band”, forcing the Blue Fenians to retreat. The Chief Blue Fenian (Marty McGuinness) retaliates, sending out the Fenians’ Concerned Residents Association Leader (Brendan McKenna), but John defeats him by singing “All You Need is Love on the Garvaghy”. Orangeland is restored to colour and its flowers re-bloom, as the residents, brought new life by the Beatles’ music, rise up, sick up some Union Flags and take up arms against the Fenians, who are fleeing headlong back to the blue border mountains where they came from. The original Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Flute Band are released (thanks to the hole carried in Ringo’s pocket from the Sea of Holes) and Ringo rescues Gerry.
    The Beatles then have a rematch with the multi-headed Fenian dog, singing “Rule Britannia”, with the Beatles victorious once again and the Blue Fenians are forced to retreat, and the Chief Blue Fenian tries to save face by killing Gerry, but Gerry performs some “transformation magic” by joining Dail Eirean causing the Fenian to sadly concede defeat. John extends an offer of friendship, and the Chief Blue Fenian has a change of heart and accepts. An enormous party ensues, where everyone sings “God Save the Queen” with everyone living happily ever after.

  • Mick Fealty

    Aha, we have a late entry from The Irishman’s Diary (a much more venerable institution than present company – apologies all round):

    Seeking light relief on Thursday after a fortnight of internecine feuding, the Sluggerotoole blog invited readers to ponder the question “if Northern Ireland was a Hollywood movie?” and submit suitable suggestions.

    There followed a spirited exchange, with many excellent proposals ranging from comedy (Carry on Forever) to science fiction (Planet of the Papes). But at time of writing, nobody has yet suggested what I think is the obvious film: a remake of Edward Albee’s stage classic, in this case retitled Who’s Afraid of Harland and Wolff? The original plot wouldn’t need much tweaking. As you’ll recall, it featured a house party from hell, in which a warring married couple (played in the film version by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor) spend a night tearing strips off each other in front of their appalled guests.

    The male protagonist (George) is an associate professor of history, while his wife Martha is daughter of the college president. But realistically, in a Northern Irish remake, both would be history dons: just specialising in different eras. George would deal with the relatively modern period, from about 1641 onwards; whereas Martha’s discipline might go back a bit further, say 800 years.

    Apart from that, the couple’s relentless abuse, mostly verbal but always threatening to become physical, could stay close to the original script. As could the reaction of their guests – here representing latter-day Britain and the Republic – which is mostly just embarrassment, except when they get hit in the crossfire.

  • CoisteBodhar

    Civil unrest in Istanbul results in tribal warfare. Eventually Turkey becomes a Muslim state. Democracy across Europe falls, to be replaced by Sharia law. In the UK the last stand is made by the rebels. There was an attempted resistance but it was crushed. Ruthlessly so. America cannot get involved because their leaders are just puppets for the Chinese who decided to wait and see what happened before getting involved in anything serious.

    Longboats began coming across the Irish sea and a trade in red headed women flourished. The Taliban moved on Dublin who were more worried about paying off their debts to the old ECB than raising an army. As a surprise to the free world the people in the north of Ireland manage a steadied resistance. The central government in New Constantinople decide to teach the last democratic state in Europe a lesson in order to frighten the Americans into submission. They call upon Allah to make the infidel barren. Allah, in his mercy, decides this is acceptable but for the craic he decides that the people there, although having no more children, will not grow old. This new land was to be called Tír na nÓg and it would remain the only democracy on the planet. He granted these people their democracy on the condition that Derry would be called IslmabadDerry and lo, the people accepted it.

    And so life carried on here in the north of Ireland. We had a democratically elected government. The rest you can imagine.

  • Jack2

    Just to bring it down a peg or two.

    Iris does Divis.
    Main character : Any starlet who can apply 2/3″ of makeup, sleep around Divis flats then shake the Queens hand.

    Upstairs/Downstairs.
    1st minister is downstairs, 1st lady is upstairs.
    Minister: Javier Bardem
    1st Lady: Tina Fey

    So I’m not accused of kicking only the DUP.

    The Hunger Games.

  • David Crookes

    Wreck the Hall with Crowds and Folly

    A Christmas entertainment for the whole family, starring Kristal Nacht (Leni Riefenstahl), Blut Fahne (Horst Wessel), and unemployed local Dalek subjects (the Woodentops). Acted not in English but in a bizarre creole which was recently created by a popular website. Once the Daleks are chased back to Tildarg by St Patrick (Marius Goering) and King Billy (William McCrea), the Dalek subjects resolve to destroy their own capital city. A semblance of order is restored only when Deputy Mayor Mrs Danvers (Lizzie Drake) reads the Protocols of the Welders of Iron, and delivers a speech which has been written for her by Wee Daftie (Plug from the Bash Street Kids). A few recalcitrant Dalek subjects set up their own Fuehrerbunker in Castedawson Public Toilets, but they are flushed out by Lord Farola (Patrick McGoohan) and his beautiful wife Semolina (Tracy Nelson). For a while chaos rages as seventy-four escaped lunatics, each of whom claims to be the rightful Commandant of the Loyal Citizens of Ulster, do their to take over Kilroot. At length Old Instonians annihilate the Dalek subjects, seize control of the Reichstag-on-the-Sturmberg, turn a rather dubious neighbouring school into a prison-camp, and establish a benevolent dictatorship. Everyone lives happily ever after, and you have all been warned.

  • http://gravatar.com/joeharron Mister_Joe

    Protocols of the Welders of Iron

    Brilliant

  • David Crookes

    Bless you, Mister_Joe, I’ll get you a cameo part in the sequel.

  • David Crookes

    The Ballylesson File

    After the war a new coalition government is appointed to run the affairs of the reformed Reich. Trouble flares when Alberich the Dwarf (Hans Adair) and his many dwarfish colleagues turn out not to have been exterminated after all. They appear from their underground fastnesses, demand the return of the Nibelung treasure, and threaten the security of the new state. Reich Chancellor Rotkehlchenssohn (Jeremy Brett) is unable to take any action, because most of his party colleagues in the Reichstag, so far from being ‘blutrein’, are either largely or completely dwarfish by blood and conviction. In Brussels the exiled Barbarossa von Bruening (Paris Hilton) laughs as the dwarves destroy the economy of the new state. At length Polizeiwachtmeister Matthaeus Weimar recruits six thousand unpaid special constables, arms them with baseball bats, and crushes the forces of dwarfism. Alberich flees to Scotland, muttering, ‘The world will hear from me again.’ Some of the special constables decide to stand for election to the Reichstag two years later. They are elected, and change the place completely.

    A wonderful new score by Richard Wagner makes this three-hour film an unforgettable experience for IQs of 80 and over.

  • JimboJones

    Baron Von Stalford’s Monster

    A terrifying tale of a political experiment that goes hideously wrong. A tale suffice to chill the cold bones of Jim Allister himself.

    Victor Von Stalford is a talented young political scientist at the Reine Universitat, Ingolstadt. However, to the great dismay of his tutors, Von Stalford grows increasingly obsessed with the teachings of long debunked political alchemy theorists such as Jan de Paisley and Guilliam Craigville – in particular their mystical belief that political life can be created out of base products such as pre-manufactured outrage and moral superiority.

    Hearing of plans by the Alliance Lady of the Court Noami Longchamps to replace the University’s brutalist period cement flagstones, flagstones cited in works by de Paisley and Craigville to have miraculous powers over the material wellbeing of 50% of the population, Von Stalford hatches a cunning plan: to raise to life a monster to prevent this occurrence, as he has read Jan de Paisley and Guilliam Craigville did in days of yore before.

    Von Stalford robustly brushes to one side the suggestion of his tutors that he would be better advised to deploy the modish tactic of “discussion and negotiation” with Lady Longchamps in order to achieve his objective. “Piff and Paff Professors! Your new-fangled ways are untested and no match for the power and might of de Paisley theorem. I shall show you all.”

    Working late into the night on his creation, experimenting with various dangerous and controlled substances such as bile, baloney and balderdash, Von Stalford tries and tries again to bring his creation to life – including using a range of powerful political and religious stimuli, as approved by the de Paisley methodology. Yet still seemingly no response.

    Sweating under the heat of the laboratory lamps, Von Stalford removes his Olympique Marseille football scarf, depositing in on the creatures head. Moved to despair, Von Stalford mops his brow and exclaims openly “By Londonderry, I think I may just have to surrender on this project”.

    Just at this very moment, the creature begins to twitch and groan. “Urggh….Urghhh…..NO SURRENDER….NO SURRENDER”.

    Von Stalford is ecstatic. It worked! It worked! De Paisley’s theory is true. A monster can be created – by simply using enough bile and baloney, in the correct proportions, and applying the right political stimuli.

    “Welcome! Welcome! My beautiful creature! I name you….Rab Bull. Rab after my favourite Scottish TV sitcom, and Bull, after one of your prime ingredients. Marvelous”.

    However, as he moves to embrace his creature, the scarf falls from its face, revealing its hideously ugly and foul features, cold with the very outlines of hate and seeming to reflect Beelzebub’s very own vision of chaos and anarchy within its dark and melancholic eyes. This prompts revulsion in the very pit of Van Stalford’s heart. He backs away in fright and terror.

    “What have I done?! What have I created?!”

    The creature senses its master’s horror and is crestfallen at the rejection.

    “All I wanted to do was to stop Lady Longchamps from replacing the beautiful cracked cement flagstones outside the Student Union with those nasty unbroken granite flagstones. I could have just talked to her. I didn’t need to create this…this…monster!”

    With that, the distraught creature, feeling repulsed by its own image, covers its face again with Von Stalford’s Marseille scarf and escapes the laboratory, determined to prove its worth to its creator – smashing granite flagstones wherever it goes, and destroying Lady Longchamps expensively cultivated new image for the city.

    After much pensive mental-wrangling, Baron Von Stalford turns to the only source of help he can think of: Count Robinsonspierre of Craigavad. This old boy is a past master at controlling wild creatures, having previously got the better of an unruly and discordant beast from a Portadown farm, known as “the Trim Bull”. He also boasts to have once “smashed the old ogre of the Bann, Shane Feign”. Baron Von Stalford expresses some incredulity about this latter claim however.

    The rest of the film features Von Stalford and Robinsonspierre desperately trying to capture the monster Rab Bull, as it tears up flagstones and terrorises Lady Longchamps and her courtiers, wherever they may reside.

    The film ends with a cliffhanger, von Stalford and Robinsonspierre chasing the monster across the Craigantlet hills as it heads dangerously towards the Palace of Stormont.

    The audience is left wondering if the beast will ever be tamed, or if havoc will be wreaked on the inhabitants of the Palace.

    We are told at the end of the film that all will be revealed in a forthcoming sequel: “Rab Bull 2: just when you thought it was safe to go make to the Christmas market”

    Baron von Stalford : Justin Bieber

    Lady Noami Longchamps : Roseanne Barr

    Reine Universitat Professors : Statler and Waldorf

    The creature (Rab Bull) : Andy Serkis

    Count Robinsonspierre : Harry Styles

  • David Crookes

    Bravo, JimboJones, a tour de force in which Der Golem meets the Muppet Show. Interviewed after the premiere, Wilhelm Kray-IG-Farben, Worshipful Master of Thule Gesellschaft LOL 1.0594631, said, ‘This film will be found asseptable by the majority.’

    King William III is 362.

    I had that Rabbi Loew in the back of the cab once.

    But let me get started.

    ‘HETRIED TO ROB A BANK…..’

    Wilhelm Weisshaupt flies leaders of the Gormenghast Angry Brigade over to Chelsea for a conference in a flat owned by General Paulus von Pannonia. With them the leaders bring the young Giraldus Cambrensis (Pierce Brosnan), on the grounds that at no time has he ever been a member of their organization. The conference is a failure, and young Giraldus is compelled to seek employment in an imbibing emporium. Things look bleak for a while. Heinrich Untervest (Telly Savalas) becomes leader of the Agricultural Party, and wins the favour of many by chanting ONE RAKE, ONE FORK, ONE FEWER. Untervest cleverly sells Rockall to the SS for a thousand guilders, and then buys it back again for a single schilling. Giraldus is impressed. He decides to rob the Bank of Nordrhein-Westfalen. In the meantime Hauptmann Oder (Mr Pastry), whose codename is Liverpool Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra, is enjoying romantic assignations in his houseboat on the Thames with the papistical Milady (Lalla Ward). It is fortunate for Oder that members of the Mandarin Lodge, in which he holds the position of Inspector-General, are ignorant of his illicit encounters. The plot thickens when Oder’s friend Brigadier Pavel Einig (Spike Milligan) begins to interest himself in the affairs of Gormenghast.

    INTERVAL (in which I shall eat my dinner)

    Back soon.

  • David Crookes

    ‘HE TRIED TO ROB A BANK…..’ Part II

    Part II consists of grainy live black-and-white archival footage. The setting is a small rectangular hall somewhere in the Campi Lugentes. It contains fourteen tables which have been conjoined in the form of a straight-sided letter U. The tables are heavily strewn with broken glass. No ladies are present. Over the glass-strewn tables a male neophyte (Elvis Presley) walks in prelapsarian state. Around the tables stand more than thirty Mandarins. Some of them attack the neophyte’s legs savagely with branches of gorse. One of them attacks the neophyte’s feet with a blowlamp. After five minutes an ancient goat (played by Leonardo diCaprio) is brought in by the apoplectic Gary Rochdale (played by an ancient goat). One Mandarin reads aloud from Ezekiel chapter 8. End of live footage.

    Details of part III may be found on the website http://www.allianzpartei.de.

  • David Crookes

    ‘HE TRIED TO ROB A BANK….’ Part III

    Things begin to move. The Caledonian No-Brain Wilhelm Seeschmidt (Billy Connolly) accuses Pavel Einig of being a foreigner, and Ivan Pavlovich (Archbishop Makarios) denounces Jacques de Molay (John Wayne) as a Quisling. Paul McCartney (Vincent Price) seizes a microphone and talks a lot about himself. Sir William Joynson-Hicks (Nat Minford), having become a member of the Privy Council of Northern Ireland, demands the restoration of underground toilet facilities not only at Chichester Street, but also at Shaftesbury Square, where a bizarre cylindrical UFO has often been discerned by the helplessly inebriated. ‘You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,’ says Ronald Reagan (Sammy Wilson), after personally witnessing the fabled Two-Headed Hippogriff (Brad Pitt and Robin Day). When the Beatles create a sensation by performing ‘Back to the UUUC’, students paint the three letters PTQ ( = preserve the Queen) on the golden dome of the Crumlin. In the Euroflation Song Contest Dana (Nadine Coyle-Dorries) sings ‘Twenty-six million trombones’ with such gusto that all the trolls in Norway decide to name their bank after her. (Duran Duran lose marks for repetition, and the UUP group Boys Dead are disqualified for plagiarism.) When selling ‘The Big Issue’ is made a capital offence, everyone is happy.

  • Rory Carr

    A remake of A Clockwork Orange should be played on a loop on a channel dedicated to that very task.

    As regular as clockwork the Orange conspire to bring misery to the Wee Six and to destroy any possibility of progress. In this they are aided and abetted by all the Unionist politicians who are too afraid to stand against them. Meanwhile a bevy of bloggers screw their brains awry in an attempt to blame all the misery on Gerry Adams who is himself too busy counting his party’s success in the Free State to notice.

    As for The Brits – like Rhett Butler, they “don’t giveadamn“.

  • Zeno

    Ofendoria.
    Set in a mythical country where being offended is treasured.
    Offence is the official currency and is stored in special memory banks. The Offence Olympics are held every year in July. People come from all over the world to try and be offended and to record other being offended.
    The OO (Offense Order) used to have a monopoly on dishing out the valued commodity but once the tables turned they have become a serious collector.